That Time John Hickenlooper Took his Mom to See a Hardcore Porn Film

As I've said before, Flappr prides itself as being a sex positive website. Whatever you fine folks are up to in the privacy of your own home, we're good. No judgment here. But I think watching porn with your mom crosses a line. I don't think this should be controversial!


Imagine for a moment that you were given a choice, Option A: you can vote for someone who took their mother to a PORN THEATER and watched an ENTIRE HARDCORE PORN FILM WITH HER; or Option B: you can vote for someone that did not, in fact, watch any hardcore porn with their mother. You probably concluded by the title of this post that Option A is John Hickenlooper, the former Governor of Colorado, failed Democrat candidate for President and current candidate for the United States Senate. I'd pick Option B, but that's just me.


Now I know what you're thinking, HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT HICKENLOOPER WATCHED HARDCORE PORNOGRAPHY WITH HIS MOTHER? Well, that's easy - he wrote a book about his life, The Opposite of Woe: My Life in Beer and Politics (available on Amazon!) and he also recounted the story to Dana Bash during a CNN Town Hall, watch:

Did you finish (no pun intended)? I'll let that all that sink in for a second (ALSO, NO PUN INTENDED!).


OK, ready? There is a lot to unpack here (god. . . the phrasing here is going to be impossible). I'm going to try and briefly recap his account of watching a hardcore porn with his mom.


Hey Mom, Pizza man is here. . . :-)~~~
  1. he is home from college and wants to go see a hardcore porn with his friend, Jed.

  2. he realizes his mom has been home alone since his father had passed away and he had been away at college.

  3. he decides that instead of doing something other than watching a hardcore porn film with his mom, he will invite his mom to go watch the hardcore porn film with him and Jed.

  4. he understands that Deep Throat is a hardcore porn film and yet, continues with his plan.

  5. he takes his mom to a theater, that was at capacity, and buys three tickets to Deep Throat, a hard core porn film, for his mother, Jed and himself.

  6. he sits in a theater next to his mother and Jed and starts watching a hardcore porn film with his mother.

  7. he observes the first sex scene, about five minutes into the film in the hardcore film - a man performing an act on a woman with his mouth and does not immediately run from the theater.

  8. he asks his mother if she would like to leave, she declines and he does not immediately run from the theater, but instead watches the entire film sitting next to her.

  9. he writes a book about his life and chooses to tell the entire world that he watched an entire hardcore porn film with his mother.


All of this seems particularly fucking insane to me, especially items 6-9 above (OK, that was intentional). Giving the FULLLL benefit of the doubt, it seems like he wanted to not leave his mom alone after not being around for a full semester. That's admirable. Deciding to take her to a porn film, that's fucking diagnosable. To compare this to today, it would be like knowing your mom had a bad day, but instead of calling her to tell her you love her, you send her pics from that Thicccc THOTS accounts you secretly follow on Instagram (you know you do, REPENT!) except with way more hardcore sex involved.


There literally isn't a scenario I could imagine, outside of some SAW-inspired-kidnapping-torture sequence, where I would have gone anywhere NEAR a porn theater with my mom (do you know what people did in those theaters?) If my mom called me and told me that she had fallen OUTSIDE a porn theater and needed my help, I'd probably just pretend I couldn't hear her and hang up. YOU DON"T WATCH PORN WITH YOUR MOM.


Oh gee. . . not the mom / porn question again. :-)~

It might be even more insane and questionable that Hickenlooper decided to tell the world that he watched a porn with his mom. Like, look at the face he makes when he gets asked about watching a hardcore porn film with his mom - it looks like he thinks this is relatable story about how he was such a goofball growing up. I think this should go without saying, but this story should NEVER have seen the light of day. Hickenlooper should have given the "Hillary Clinton Treatment" to anyone who even uttered the word 'porn' within earshot. This NOT a story you include in a book about your life, you bury it and sign your soul over Moloch to ensure that it remains buried. Welp, not 'Ol Johnny Boy. Nope, Johnny Boy seems all aww shucks about that time he and his mom sat in a room, with his friend and probably 100 other dudes, and watched Linda Lovelace take it on the chin (God, forgive me).


It doesn't even stop there, it also appears that Hickenlooper may be a furry or furry adjacent:


This is the future Liberals want.


Outside of his exhibitionist tendencies, Hickenlooper has gotten into trouble with abuse of the public trust. Just last week, the Colorado Independent Ethics Commission fined him for violations of his state’s constitutional gift ban. This is AFTER the Commission held him in contempt for refusing to appear and testify on his own behalf, watch:

Here is what one of the members of the Colorado Ethics Commission had to say about Hickenlooper's failure to appear (from the Colorado Sun):


“By failing to honor the subpoena of the commission, the respondent has indicated a disrespect for the rule of law,” said commissioner Bill Leone, a former U.S. attorney who was appointed to the ethics board by Hickenlooper and then again by the state Senate."

Sounds like quite a gem you've got there, Colorado. Hickenlooper is currently facing Andrew Romanoff in the Democratic Primary set for June 30th. The winner of that election will go to face Republican Incumbent (and non-mom-porn watcher) Cory Gardner. Maybe choose Option B.

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Mathew Foldi is a Lib