Report: Jeffrey Toobin Caught Masturbating on Zoom Call

If you have not heard already, CNN "Chief Legal Analyst", Jeffrey Toobin was suspended by the network today for a "personal matter".


Toobin's official explanation of the "personal matter", as given to Vice earlier in the day, was that he: "made an embarrassingly stupid mistake, believing [he] was off-camera."


Well, it turns out that the "embarrassingly stupid mistake" Toobin made, was jerking off while on a Zoom call with his colleagues at the New Yorker, where Toobin works as a Staff Writer.


Apparently, according to Vice:


"[T] wo sources described a juncture in the election simulation when there was a strategy session, and the Democrats and Republicans went into their respective break out rooms for about 10 minutes. At this point, they said, it seemed like Toobin was on a second video call. The sources said that when the groups returned from their break out rooms, Toobin lowered the camera. The people on the call said they could see Toobin touching his penis. Toobin then left the call. Moments later, he called back in, seemingly unaware of what his colleagues had been able to see, and the simulation continued."

*Sidebar: I am now going to try and work in as many euphemisms for jerking off into this blog post as possible*


Jimmney Crickets, Jeffrey! You couldn't wait until after your "election simulation" ended and rub one out after? I mean think about how helplessly horny you would need to be to: (i) close your laptop (or so you thought) ; (ii) in the middle of a work call; and (iiI) give yourself a five knuckle shuffle during a supposed 10 minute interlude. Pretty insanely horny, that's how horny.


I mean, I'm as red blooded of a man as the next guy and even I'm like . . . dude, just wait until everyone is asleep, go into the bathroom with your iPad and start scrolling through PornHub for Big Ti... oh, shoot. . . is this thing still on?


This type of compulsory masturbation reminds me of a scene from the greatest sports movie of all time, Slap Shot:


Toobin is basically Reggie Dunlap in the clip above, a man who who seemingly cannot curb his urge to whip it out and flog the bishop.


Let us not gloss over the fact that, according to the Vice article, Toobin dialed up a friend - on a SECOND video call - to help him choke his chicken. This feels like too much juggling for a simple yogurt tossing session.


Perhaps, for Toobin, monkey spanking must be done in a ritualistic manner or not done at all? Maybe Toobin can only drain his vein if he has candles lit and his favorite cam girl on video chat telling him he's a vile, dirty, little-pig-boy?


Thankfully, we will never know the whole story of why Jeffrey Toobin decided to beat his meat while his colleagues presumably watched in horror.


On to some fun reactions:






Ok, well . . . I think we've bottomed out as a society. O.J. Simpson laying down a sick burn on Twitter is proof that social media (and perhaps civilization as a whole) was a terrible, terrible mistake.


Well, that's all I got - I'm spent. I think I’m going to take the rest of the day off, kick off my shoes, fire up the iPad and... you know....




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Mathew Foldi is a Lib