• Nero

It's Not US, It's You. A New American Union

Sometimes in life we have to face harsh realities and in 2020 we have had to face a lot of them. We have an even bigger one just around the corner and I am not sure enough people are aware of it. There is going to be an election and no matter the outcome a very large number of people are not going to accept the results. This is just a fact. If Biden wins the right will claim voter fraud due to mail in ballots and have a good argument for it. (insert mail in ballots story) Should Trump win the left will claim Russian interference or voter suppression with a lot less evidence but whatever. Either way this doesn’t end well. It is time for a national divorce.

There is just absolutely no way for 350 million people to agree on the same government and same laws. It was hard enough in the 1860s when there were fewer people living in the United States than currently live in California. Even by today’s standards the United States has four times the population of the largest EU nation, Germany, and more than twice the population of Russia. Only places like China with a totalitarian government and for all intents and purposes a single culture can survive with such a large population. The United States is far too large and diverse culturally to be sustainable in its current form.

Here is the real trick this was never the future the founders envisioned. The entire idea of the “United States of America” was federalism. Where the central government regulated trade, currency, and provided for the common defense. Most of what we argue about with government policy are things the Federal Government shouldn’t even be doing. Things like health care policy, for example, should be left to the state or even better local governments because the more local the government is, the better it knows the needs of its citizens.

With this in mind the other night I drew up a map of 13 new colonies of the United States based mostly on culture and geography. I would have spent more time doing it and not done stupid things like leaving Portland in Big Sky instead of Commie Coast.

The Tweet went viral so I decided to write this piece up giving a bit more detail as to what I envision and why each of the regions are the way they are. I mean it even got retweeted by Lone Conservative founder Kassy Dillion, who still won’t follow me though, so here we go.

What I have in mind for lack of a better term is a North American Union. Similar to how the EU was originally designed to be or the original 13 colonies under the articles of confederation.

The basics of the Government:

The only requirement of this union would be each colony has an elected governor who serves four year terms. In all likelihood each colony would have a legislature as well but the idea is to have as little influence on the colony from outside it as possible so requiring only an elected governor makes the most sense. The government of the union would be the North American Senate made up of one representative from each colony appointed to a term of six years. The difference in terms between representatives in the senate and governors is to ensure that should there be a major political shift in a colony it doesn’t have an immediate effect on the senate.

The role of the senate is very small. It is to settle disputes between the colonies on issues of trade and commerce. The Senate would also institute a currency for trade between the colonies that would not be required to be used for commerce within the individual colonies. This is done to make sure that each colony has a say in it’s own fiscal policy. The Senate would also be free to negotiate common defense treaties between the colonies. This would not be required by the articles of confederation but would be encouraged. Again the entire goal is to keep outside influence from affecting the sovereignty of an individual colony.

The basic tenets of the confederation would be free trade and movement between the colonies even allowing residency in say the Republic of Texas to say citizens of Big Sky. What would be different from how things are now is if you reside in a colony other than your own your voting rights remain in your home colony this is to prevent residents from the ACELA and Commie Coast from ruining other colonies with by voting for the same stupid policies that have ruined the ACELA and the Commie Coast.

From a defense standpoint each colony keeps the national guard units within it obviously and for simplicity sake all of the military bases and equipment currently within it. All overseas divisions return home and the equipment is divided up equally among the colonies. Probably through a snake draft or something. All soldiers get to return to their homes and live in the colony they came from.

Do not get me wrong doing this would spin the entire world on its head. Chaos would reign supreme throughout the world without the United States playing referee. It’s just probably long overdue that the US quit keeping the rest of the world from killing each other.

Now a little bit about each region:

The ACELA was the first one I put together. Basically created a place where people can have fancy cocktail parties and talk down about all the other regions, bankrupting their own government, while leaving the rest of us alone. So the DC to NY corridor can be completely smug amongst themselves until they run out of money and ask New England for help.

New England is just what it says it is. Not as progressive as the ACELA. They are more old school Democrats. Could have just as easily called it Patriots Nation. Might not be the biggest colony but you wouldn’t want to fight them. Those Massholes are tough as shit. Will probably help out ACELA financially but only in exchange for the best players in the Yankees farm system.

The People of Buffalo are just like the People of Wisconsin

The Midwest which could be called the Rust Belt or Upper America. Basically runs from Buffalo and although it goes through all of Minnesota anything west of the Twin Cities would likely be part of Dakota. A lot of people on Twitter questioned why upstate NY was in the Midwest my only response to that is have you ever seen the Bills Mafia tailgate? That is as Midwest as it gets. This colony would be all about football, hunting, and grilling. Lots of fast cars as well. Ted Nugent would love it. Western Illinois would likely go with the Great Plains but really if Twitter taught me nothing else after making that map nobody wants Illinois or Missouri for that matter.

Speaking of Missouri let's talk about the Great Plains. Pretty much made up of the old Big 8 conference but with the University of Iowa replacing Colorado I guess. The breadbasket of America. As much as nobody wants Missouri the Plains would really need it for population and defense purposes. St. Louis would become their shipping hub for their agriculture products. Plus Nebraska would be playing Oklahoma in football again and really that is what is most important.

We have two states that are their own Republics in this scenario, Florida and Texas. The reason being that they both have their own cultural identity despite being so large and could easily go it on their own both in terms of defense and economics. Plus both would love to make sure that their top high school football talent doesn't leave the colony.

You know damn well you thought either Bo or Luke, maybe both, were hitting this.

Appalachia made up of Kentucky, West Virginia, Tennessee plus parts of Pennsylvania and Virginia. Probably have parts of Northern Georgia as well. Rural, mountain folk, moonshine, basketball, and lots of feuds between families. There are also plenty of metropolitan areas but people from New England and ACELA will think it is all just deliverance and never go there this being one of the benefits of living in Appalachia. Plus if you have a really hot cousin nobody will think twice if you shoot your shot

New Antebellum as some pointed out Antebellum is totally cancelled and I would have called it New A but there was already a colony with that name and I didn’t want to sue claiming it was rightfully mine or whatever that Lady Antebellum thing was. Anyway New Antebellum is basically the old south from Georgia to Arkansas and Louisiana. Nothing would really change much in this part of the country. Would definitely work out a deal with Florida to play college football. Might start a war with Florida after the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party every year. Also will feud with Atlantic South over coastal territory and the college football championship each year between Clemson and whomever comes out of the SEC.

Atlantic South is a combination of Southern Virginia and the Carolinas. Probably could call it Carolina just to piss off the former Virginans. Some of Coastal Georgia probably could be included but having Savannah and Asheville in the same territory could cause the colony to move too far left. The most important feature would be that Clemson is located there so every year they would be in the college football playoff.

Dakota would in reality be the western half of Minnesota and the Dakotas. Lots of hockey in this region. They don’t really fit in the Midwest, the Great Plains, or the Mountain West so I just made them their own little colony. Fortunately they already have a great built in candidate for governor.

So hot!

Next we have Big Sky and American South West or Sun Belt whatever you want to call it. I honestly don’t give a fuck. If I did the map again I would put the northern half of Colorado in Big Sky and the southern half of Utah in the South West or Sun Belt or whatever. These colonies would likely be closely aligned. They both have a shared history in the old west. Big Sky would be another major agricultural power in the union. Would likely make sense to divide Denver into three sections controlled by Big Sky, The Great Plains, and South West respectively.

The South West has both Las Vegas and San Diego in it. Orange County is there as well. It also has Roswell so you know Aliens. Ranching would also be a big part of the South West as it is with Big Sky. More than anything else these two regions have a shared mission and that is to keep what is to the west of them from infecting the rest of the colonies.

I would definitely spend my vacation dollars at Putin Place

The Commie Coast is much like the ACELA in that it is dominated by a group of humans that honestly believe they are better than the rest of the nation but provide absolutely nothing of value, unless you count really terrible excuses for TV shows for services like Netflix. From Los Angeles County all the north to Puget Sound they will have their chance to make the little anti-Capitalist utopia while the rest of us laugh at them. Los Angeles County will probably want into the South West but fuck ‘em they made their choice. Big Sky and South West would be wise to build fire breaks at the border and it will be really fun when they cut off access to the Colorado River. If Commie Coast lowers taxes and focuses on tourism they could have a thriving economy if not they will probably be conquered by the Russians who would gladly take tourism dollars.

The last thing that this new Confederation of Colonies would need a figurehead for ceremonial purposes. Something akin to the Queen of England. It should be filled by a person who embodies the true American Spirit with this in mind I think the choice is obvious.

Ladies and Gentleman I present to you all the new American Monarch Mr. John Fucking McAfee: