• Burnout

If Flappr was Professional Wrestling

This doesn't feel like something I'd normally write, but we're starting "Weird Weekends" here at Flappr HQ, and team player that I am, here we go.

A discussion broke out in the Flappr Editorial Board over what wrestlers each of us would be. It's a good comparison. We're definitely all characters, and so are they. Be sure to leave who you think we are in the comments. Bartleby: Vincent Kennedy McMahon

In reality, there is no better comparison for Bart than VKM himself.

Without each, their respective empires would not exist.

Both are calm, cool, collected, and stunningly ruthless. They're the end and the beginning, the alpha and the omega. In short, Bart, like Vince, is the man.

Nero: Jake "The Snake" Roberts

Always a bridesmaid but never a bride, Nero and Jake have a ton in common.

They're absolute work horses who are wholly unappreciated in their time.

They're both wild men who live and play by their own rules.

And they both have inexplicable female followings. Plus, both of them are mad smart, which is the best way to end this comparison. Burnout: The Iron Sheik

In real life, Vince McMahon is rumored to not want to bring Iron Sheik back as a WWE Legend because he is afraid of giving Sheiky Baby a live microphone.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is me to a T.

Wild, passionate, and almost wholly uncontrollable, but beloved by fans and a lightning rod every time he appeared. Iron Sheik is at the very top of the list of people I want to meet, probably because the characters we portray are so similar.

Love you, Sheik!

Soy Lament: Papa Shango

Soy is the King of Weird, and the Lord of Mischief. Lots of wrestling characters could exemplify that, but perhaps none so much as Papa Shango.

I mean, look at this dude. He's running around putting curses on people. He's using voodoo and talking in riddles.

Might as well be Soy in the ring, to be honest.

Meara: Rowdy Roddy Piper

I would affectionately describe Meara as a tornado on a case of Red Bull.

She's out of control, totally ruthless, and absolutely glorious.

In the above video, we can see Meara and her cowboy hat wearing simps shaving a Lib.

Kosher Doll: Mickie James

The Facebook Thirst for our marketing head is uncomfortably real, but thankfully, like Mickie, she gleefully plays the part.

Kosh and Mickie have a lot in common. They both toil in the background, making other lesser people look great by their hard work. They're underappreciated in their times, and in a more just world would be headliners. Here's to you, Kosh!

JAC: Brooklyn Brawler

Like Brooklyn Brawler, none of us appreciated JAC until he's not around.

Is "Left Can't Meme" our biggest ratings generator? No, but the site sucks without it. The same went for Brooklyn Brawler. Not the main event star, but definitely not replaceable.

Phillip Osoraptor: Brock Lesnar

Like Lesnar, Phil isn't always around, but when he is, everything he writes is top of the queue worthy.

Lesnar is so boss. I f'in love him. Love you too, Phildo Swaggins.

Professor Jimbo: Jack Tunney

This is deep lore. Jack Tunney was actually a Canadian wrestling promoter who nominally worked with the then WWWF to promote across the borders. He made some extra money on the side appearing as "President" Jack Tunney, and eventually as the WWF expanded, that more or less became his gig.

You almost never saw Tunney. He was just mentioned in passing. A spectre from beyond. But, like Jimbo, you loved when he was on because it meant something special.

Smub: Jesse Ventura

Like Jesse Ventura, Smub's contributions are often out of the spotlight. Ventura was a genius at developing programs, bringing a big time atmosphere to fights as a commentator, and in cutting promos for other wrestlers.

Smub gives us a lot of inspiration in the chat, and creates a lot of the great artwork you see on Flappr. Cheers to you, Smub "The Body" Publius!

Midnight Mitch: Lord Alfred Hayes

It's easy to forget Hayes. He was mostly a recap guy, and did commentary on B card shows. But his voice is unforgettable, and his work as a commentator is unparalled if we're being honest.

So, too, is it with Midnight Mitch. He mostly recaps memes and gets none of the glory of some of the other writers, but he's loved and valued none the less.

AsTheWorldBurnz: Little Beaver

Little Beaver was a top notch midget wrestler, which I'm pretty sure is Burnz's real job on weekends. In this video, we see what might be a 1950's midget wrestling match, or what might be a reenactment of Burnz fighting one of her multiple personalities.

We love you and miss you, Burnz!

MommyPenny1971: Macho Man

Macho Man was billed as "the biggest free agent in wrestling" when he signed with the WWF in the 80s.

MommyPenny has lived up to similar hype. She's an absolute thoroughbred when it comes to smart, compelling writing, and frankly even I'm impressed by her wit. "Put those tits on ice" has gotten thrown around a lot since she first debuted it.

I'm thinking t-shirts with that slogan.

So, do you agree? Which wrestlers do you think we are? Which wrestlers did we miss on? Engage with us!


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Keep the Faith. Hold the Line. Own the Libs.

Mathew Foldi is a Lib