I Watch C-Span, So You Don't Have To: Andrew McCabe
When I was generously offered the opportunity to write something for Flappr, I assumed I would be able to come up with something a bit lighthearted. Perhaps how the debut album by The Cars is a work of art or how every time I visit DC I swear I can feel the presence of Satan. Ya know, fun stuff. However,…
…I was in my office today when my sister (who is remodeling it) popped her head up and said, “You know that McCabe thing is happening today, right?”. Wait, McCabe thing?! I’d almost forgotten that the previously postponed grilling of former Deputy FBI Director Andrew McCabe was happening today in yet another (probably useless) effort to “get to the bottom” of the Russia investigation shit show. So, to keep all you good people from having to suffer as I have suffered, I willingly took one for the team and watched The Whole God Damn Thing. Will we finally find out something new? Will Andy kick anyone under the bus to save his own ass? Will our Senators finally hold his feet to the fire? I don’t know! So, let’s find out. Buckle up because this is a long one….
Oh look! It’s Lindsey! Hi Lindsey! Hey, Lindsey looks tired. Which Lindsey will we get today? The Kavanaugh warrior hard-ass? Or the squish that looks like something you would create at your local Build-A-Bear? Lindsey does some blah blah opening statement about how Russian interference is a given (once again, without telling us HOW exactly) and how we need to figure out why the FBI sucks so bad and how everyone involved was allowed to behave like a brat. Yeah Lindsey, we’re waiting.
Dianne Feinstein is next as minority leader, but I almost feel bad taking pot shots at this old bat because she should be at home with her grandkids and her millions in San Francisco. Honestly, I just don’t think her heart is in this anymore. Some people just look tired. But, power must be one hell of a drug.
We are now introduced to one Andrew McCabe (full disclosure: On looks alone I’d probably throw this guy a hate-smash if we met in a dark bar). Guess where Andy is? I’ll give you a hint, it’s NOT in the Senate Judiciary Room. Why is that you might ask? That’s right, it’s because he is afraid of Ebola. The virus that makes you bleed from your eyes and asshole until you finally die a horrid death when your guts fall out of your butt. Wait, no it’s not, it’s Covid silly. Apparently, Andy’s wife is a hero first responder so instead of risking his hero wife by showing up at the disgusting petri dish that is the US Senate, he comes to us remotely. I wonder if he cared this much about his wife when he was (allegedly) yodeling into Lisa Page’s canyon during those late nights of planning a presidential coup?
Anyway, Andy gets on the horn to bray all the same nonsense the other donkeys who came before him did (Rosenstein, Comey and Yates). The short version (Lindsey had to eventually tell this jabbering knucklehead to wrap it up) is that; Russians targeted our elections, Russians hacked the DNC Via Guccifer 2.0, we didn’t open an investigation because we preferred one candidate over the other (sure bruh…), “It was our OBLIGATION to investigate shenanigans”, the investigation was properly predicated... etc etc. He also barfed out that he admits there were SIGNIFICANT FISA errors in connection with this case (Fuckin DUH Bro!) and he, for one, was “Shocked” and “Disappointed” and found these errors unacceptable. He was also quick to point out that he has ALWAYS fully cooperated with all investigations into this issue. Seriously choir boy, dial it back, no one is buying what you’re selling.
The best part (and anyone who follows these hearing saw this coming), was the totally obvious set up of why he won’t be able to really answer any questions. He sobbed to Lindz about how he wasn’t allowed access to any of his old documents, so his memory is going to be sketchy at best. Lindz was quick to point out that it wasn’t the committee who denied him this, it was the FBI. You know, the place where you used to work? The organization that requires security clearance. The place that shit-canned you for being a dishonest turd. Yeah, it’s pretty shocking they said no to your request.
Dianne is back. Go home Dianne, you need a stiff G&T and a nap.
She wants to know why the investigation (Crossfire Hurricane) was opened to begin with. Andy explains in a very long-winded way that they (The FBI) basically got bad vibes. That’s really what it boils down to. Some Trump people knew some Russians (gasp), so the FBI got the hebeejeebees and went for it. It would have been a dereliction of duty NOT to investigate their hinky feelings! Comey had “alarming” interactions with Trump (god, what a BABY that guy is, yuck), Trump wanted the Flynn investigation to end, he fired Comey, he wanted clarification that he wasn’t under investigation, same old stuff we know. Basically, because Trump pushed back on some bullshit, they needed to drive a stake through his heart.
Dianne, to her credit, asks “Well, what came of all this?” Andy yawns about the Muller report and ends up having to say there were no indictments BUT, their concerns were ultimately justified (without clarifying WHICH concerns of course. Also ‘HUH’?) and maybe the only reason there were no indictments is because Trump is still in office. Cause there are like, 8 or 9 different ways Trump is a criminal. Oh my god guy, is this the hill you’re going to plant your flag on?? So, he is basically saying Trump is guilty as sin but we just can’t do anything about it. He also says “Sorry this is so legalistic” I’m like, “Dude? You’re in the Judiciary Committee, I think they can handle it.”
Cornyn is up next. He reveres the FBI yadda yadda. Talks about how BOTH campaigns were under investigation (true, in different ways). “How did the FBI decide to interfere in not one but two presidential campaigns?” hahahahaha, nice…Andy goes “hummina hummina hummina” for a few seconds before Cornyn gets annoyed and lets him off the hook.
Here is where the sketch-o-meter starts to edge into the orange zone. Every question Cornyn fires at Andy seems to get two conflicting answers. C: “How much information did you and Comey share?” A: “We talked all the time, we shared everything relevant with each other.” C: “So what did he think about X, Y, Z?” A: “I have no idea.”. Sure…. Andy confirms that everyone who should be involved in Crossfire Hurricane discussions WAS involved, however, when it comes to answering who knew what, and when? No one knows shit. No one. Everyone knows everything and no one knows anything. I hate this guy. I don’t believe a thing he says and I hate him. Cornyn hates him too. We talked about it. Cornyn drinks Amaretto Sours, btw.
Cornyn is asking who should be held accountable. Andy yelps that they HAVE been held accountable. And by accountable he means they’ve had internal discussions (which I'm sure made a huge difference) and they show up to these hearings under their own steam. I am literally interpreting this answer as “Our punishment is having to show up for these hearings, isn’t that enough? How much must we suffer?” Have I mentioned yet than I hate Andy? Cornyn is like “I don’t trust you, I don’t trust the FBI, and I don’t think the America people trust the FBI either!” Andy, honest to god, answers “Trust me, we are 100% trustworthy. Americans have nothing to worry about.” Fuck ALLLLLLL the way off Andrew, you dildo… Cornyn goes for the femoral, bringing up that he was fired for being an asshole and Andy displays his butthurt and cries about how biased and unfair the firing was. Ugh, my downstairs just went ALL the way dry.
Oh, hi DICK. Senator Durbin, for people more respectful than myself. The notes I took on Durbin are pretty short because he is not into this hearing AT ALL. He throws in “Outgoing President Trump” (pump the bakes there, sport), gives a shout out to the “President and Vice President Elect” (vomit down my shirt), W. is a hero (hearing Durbin blow W gives me stomach cramps), and the rest of the time is, I shit you not, talking about kids in cages, how the investigation into voter fraud is a sham, we need to heal, but most importantly, Trump is the worst person who ever drew breath and might actually be Hitler Dracula. I mean at this point, I can practically predict all of Durbin’s speeches no matter what the context is because he says the same goddamn thing, no matter what. Oh, and he has no questions for McCabe, he is just here to bloviate (much like I’m doing in this article).
Lindsey is sputtering a little bit because Dick keeps saying it’s (the Crossfire Hurricane investigation) a nothing burger and Lindsey is like “What the FUCK are you talking about?”, just not in those words. It’s important to figure it out. He reminds him that the CIA literally told the FBI “You should really look into this Clinton Email thing” and the FBI is like “Nah, we’re good.”. He points out that, “You wanted to look into all things Trump but when it comes to Hillary, investigations aren’t important?” The FBI ignored everything they SHOULD have been investigating. He is 100% correct and this exchange was important because the hypocrisy was totally naked and on display. Like Cardi B.
Shelly Whitehouse is hollering “But there were CONTACTS!!” re: Trump people and like, “foreigners”. Have you guys seen some of the investigations for the muller report? Have you ever read any of the witness transcripts? Well, I have. “Contact” to these people is literally like “I went to a meeting in Moscow in 2005 and my cab driver was Russian.” Ergo, witness is a criminal. Open and shut case.
Robo Mike Lee has thoughts. He’s asking about the handwritten Priestap notes about Flynn. Andy is serving up some word salad (I like blue cheese) that means almost nothing. Is it normal for FBI agents to NOT tell witnesses that it is a crime to lie to the FBI? Apparently, the answer is, Yes! Andy basically shrugged and said “Eh, we don’t HAVE to”. He also says (under oath of course) that he never threatened Flynn with ANYTHING. He claims he offered counsel, but Flynn declined it.
Lee is staring to get a little hot under the collar and tells Raggedy Andy that he is the fourth person they have called onto the carpet for this crap and they have yet to receive a single straight answer to any of their questions (I can confirm this) in regards to who knew the original Carter Page FISA (and subsequent renewals especially) were flaming dumpster fires. Rosenstein: “I was not informed, it’s all news to me!”. Yates: “I had no idea!”. Comey “I had no idea about any errors!”. What’s your story Andy? This ought to be good…oh wait, buckle up guys, you’re not going to believe this, Andy ALSO had NO IDEA there was anything wrong with the FISA application! Seriously ya’ll what the fuck? How, HOW do people fail up like this? Lee, who looks close to letting some spittle fly, points out that what he is saying now is almost verbatim what he has heard from every other person who has testified on this issue. He does get extra points for using the line “…These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”. What a dork. I like him. He is basically pointing out that it is IMPOSSIBLE that no one involved in this FISA shit show knew what was going on. Someone is lying. Lee is twisting the knife in his final minute basically telling Andy he is a giant loser. Love it.
Shelly W. decides he needs to butt in and spout some totally unrelated nonsense about an incoming Biden DOJ (Mmmkay), carbon emissions (wut?), a Kavanaugh investigation (don’t you touch him, you son of a bitch, I will CUT you)!? He WAS kind enough to point out that no one would sign the FISA now, knowing what they know. Gee, that’s great, I’m sure Carter Page and George Papa feel better already. Then he goes on to ask Andy about an FBI tip line and how that shit works. Huh? Dude… My notes actually say, “I’m having a hard time tracking here because he is so goddamn boring and he’s not asking AM any questions”.
And here we have the coolest old cranky codger in the Senate, Chuck Grassley. My god, this dude reminds me of my grandpa (who I adored), except he is more verbose. He always looks pissed off and over it and I for one, love him for it. Chuck proceeds to light into Andy Pants about what a total bunch of fuck ups he, his colleagues, his boss, and his entire department are. He points out 17 errors in the OG FISA application (17!), and that there was no foundation to proceed w/the investigation. How could EVERYONE possibly miss all these errors? Andy starts to look uncomfortable, like the ben-wa balls he’s got stuffed up his tan track are starting to work themselves out into the world. He starts to make some noise about how he disagrees with Chuck that the investigation was flawed (I wouldn’t poke that bear if I were you, kiddo) and how FISA is only part of the investigation, and how the IG report says the investigation was properly predicated. By the Way bruh, you’re quoting the IG report? You were THERE!
Then, Grandpa Chuck points out the dossier wasn’t properly vetted and how did he allow a fresh cat shit of a document to be used to surveil US citizens? He sounds about a moment away from yelling “What the fuck dude?” and I dig that.
Chuck also notes the date the FBI wrote a memo basically saying “Flynn is good to go, there's nothing here, shut it down”. Home Boy Pete Strzok (Or as Rush calls him “Struck, Stroke, Smirk) intercepts that memo with the old “not so fast fuckers, this one is mine”. So hey, get this, when asked, Andy says he CAN’T RECALL telling Pete to keep the investigation open! “Obviously, that’s what happened but I can’t recall who gave the order.” Can’t RECALL? Dude, do you think everyone is STOOPID? How can you just forget if you gave such an important order? “I might have, I might not have, but ya know, I just can’t recall.” BULLSHIT, you absolute shameless liar. Anyway, he said “we” discussed closing the case (whoever ‘we’ might be) but then these Russian calls happened and gee, it freaked us out!
Oooohhh….Chucks bringing up leaks now. I think this is the burr under his saddle because it’s yet another thing he can’t get an answer to. He’s asking Andy if he knows Comey’s leaky game plan. Of course, he says he does not, despite the fact that Andy and Jim practically lived in each other’s pockets. If you were to watch this, I honestly think Andy is lovingly fondling some perjury here. Chuck is asking extremely specific questions and Andy is VERY cagey and looks legit a little nervous about this line of questioning. I hate this guy. Not as much as I hate Comey but, I definitely can't stand him.
Chuck has had enough of this soft, chenille blanket of a man so Lindsey decides to hit Andy with a few follow ups. Namely, are agents required to present exculpatory evidence to the FISA court if they find it? Homeboy looks so damn uncomfortable with this question, that it’s delightful. He starts sputtering a bunch of nonsense. It’s a yes or no question and he just took up like 30 seconds. Lindsey, like a good phlebotomist, backs up the needle and tries to hit the vein again and this time gets blood, and by blood I simply mean, Andy was forced to admit that yes, exculpatory evidence IS “supposed” to be presented. “We should have had more thorough conversations about the information.” Oh my god, you THINK??
Oh Amy, Amy, Amy, make it quick cause I’m pushing 3k words and people are bored by now.
Oh no, she, didn’t…. Yes, yes she did. She starts off with the proclamation that “We now have a new president”. Ugh, bitch. Amy’s hands are hidden so I can only imagine that she is lovingly caressing herself below the desk with a “shoulder massager” from the Sharper Image to this Biden/Harris narrative, and how it should have been her, while also planning how she might parlay this into a cabinet position. Honestly, was there ever a position of power this woman didn’t think she deserved herself? I’m still appalled at her telling ACB “I thought it might be me sitting there some day.” Holy shit. The bitch has balls, I’ll give her that. And zero self-awareness, but whatevz. Go on Amy. Actually, on second thought, she’s just spouting off a bunch of totally insincere hippie nonsense about healing, time honored principles and election stuff and Barr is a big meanie and now I’m bored with her. But then again, I’ve been bored with her since like 2000 when she was Hennepin County Attorney. Next!
I think we’re gonna get the T-Ted-1000 version of Ted Cruz today. He looks angry. Ted, I love the beard, but the mullet needs to castrated. Just a suggestion.
Ted points out that Peter “SSS” testified that “the 7th floor” (meaning management good types) decided to keep the Flynn thing going. Ted wants to know if Andy was the one who made that decision. Fair question T-Ted-1000. Christ almighty, once again, he says “I don’t remember making that decision, but I certainly supported the decision. It was the right move”. Holy god….is he pulling a Comey? He would actually rather look retarded then risk being in trouble? I just…wow. He really goes for it. Shamelessly. "We kept it open because he was talking to Russians." (How DARE he). Ted's going after him on the Logan act and whether he supported using this weirdo statute to kick Flynn in the teeth. Should be interesting to see where this is going because I smell a trap. Lolz! He says he is not aware of the White House meeting where Biden suggests using the Logan Act on Flynn!
How many times can one person write BULLSHIT in a single article?? Now is…Is Ted bringing up…Ben Rhodes? By god he IS! He is bringing up the fact that Biden peeps are already reaching out to foreign leaders to discuss future agendas! Well I’ll be dipped in chicken shit. I wonder what that sort of thing is called? Ted wants to know if that’s a violation of the Logan Act. Andy is like “I won’t take your statement on faith, and I wont engage in hypotheticals.". Okay, he is flat out refusing to answer it. Teds pretty pissed though and that’s always entertaining. Ted hollers “Of course it’s not a violation of the Logan Act because the Logan Act is retarded!” Andy says everything Ted just said is false and Ted is all “Which part, bitch?”. Of course, Andy has no answer for this and the T-Ted-1000 looks like it wants to jump over the table and beat Andy’s head into jam. Yay Ted!
Richard Blumenthal, ugh, this tiresome golem. He’s decided to take this time to wank off to the ever-present boogeyman of white supremacy and how right wingers are the single biggest threat in the United States. Did he just…mention the Proud Boys? Jesus Christ, he did. He also rooted around in the truffle patch of election integrity and how Barr is undermining it and how all accusations of election shenanigans are unfounded (what?!) and “Scaremongering”. Oink Oink! I can’t with this fuck stick. He is another one where I think “You don’t actually believe a single word coming out of your own mouth, you loathsome poser.”
Andy has to take a pee pee. Actually, judging by how long it took him to come back, it was probably a poop.
Mazie, I’ve got my notebook cocked and loaded and it’s pointed RIGHT at you lady, but that’s for another day. Make it snappy, you’re too dumb for this hearing (or any hearing, for that matter). Let’s see, Maize doesn’t know why we’re here (she never does). Mazie says it’s obvious that the texts between Lisa Page and the poor man’s Gavin Orsey didn’t affect their work (what the ACTUAL shit?) The Ukrainian shakedown was MUCH more of an important problem! Biden defeated Trump decisively (which means Trump’s eventual triumph will mean THAT much more to me, seeing Mazie lose her goddamn mind keeps me living on my darkest days), white supremacy is still the biggest threat to the country (yawn), all Trump/Barr claims of fraud are bullshit. She then runs down the clock just talking about what a horrible person The Donald is. I’ve never seen anyone so stupid behave like everything she participates in is just…beneath her. She's an utter snob who hasn't earned the right to be snobby. Also, her hair is getting really thin, so I suggest she gets one of those light helmets before that situation get out of control. This woman graduated from GEORGETOWN LAW people! How I ask you, HOW?
Lindsey wants to know if the Clinton campaign ever received a defensive briefing. Meaning, a warning that they are suspicious there may be fuckery afoot w/in the campaign. Andy confirms yes, they (The Clinton Campaign) got a briefing. “Did Trump?”. Nope, the same courtesy was not extended. Why? They were worried it might compromise their own investigation! I mean really, he said it out loud.
Josh “The Mack” Hawley. Congrats on the baby girl, Dad! I’m sure she’ll be a beauty with two foxy parents. Hey, did you know that a lady fox is called a Vixen? The more you know…
Josh schools the Dems on why they are here since they all seem confused and/or offended and having to endure this hearing. “The FBI interfered in an election! THAT’S why we’re here!”. Based Hawley activated. Josh talks about Andy signing off on the Carter Page FISA but also notes that when Steele’s primary sub source was interviewed, he shit all over the evidence in the dossier, saying it was a bunch of nonsense and yet none of that ended up in the renewal application. Andy swears under oath that he doesn’t know what anyone thought of the primary sub-source. For realz, homeboy looks like he is gonna shit himself. He is wilting like a day lily under the Based Hawley laser eyes. Hawley keeps pressing, “DID the application you signed, disclose the updated information?” Andrew tries to yawn some word vomit to distract him but Hawley holds up two fingers to shush his ass and Andy is finally (and with a now sweaty forehead) forced to admit that no, none of the new information ended up in the report. Hawley busts him with a text he (Andy) sent, saying he hopes the Brexit vote isn’t a harbinger of things to come in the US. Once again, Andy can’t remember writing or sending that text. He’s actually getting a little loud and hysterical! Oh my god, this is better than Netflix.
Marsha Blackburn. The only person who can hard ‘g’ their “ings” without making me insane (I’m looking at you, Shiri Applebee). She calls him out for spending a lot of time on CNN (lolz) and then tells him how lucky he is to have landed a job anywhere after being fired by the FBI like a total loser and being publicly flogged in the IG report. Okay, that right there? That was based bitch level stuff!! Holy cow, I’ve got a crush on her right now. She is going AFTER this weenie! “A sad demise of your career in public service”. He’s suing for wrongful termination and she looks super unimpressed. She basically then asks him if being a total lying shit bird is just standard culture at the FBI? I’m DYING! I love this broad! She then kicks him in the balls further by asking why he shouldn’t be prosecuted for his actions. I wish I could insert the nuke from T2 here. Andrew looks rocked and sputters that he did nothing wrong, we did nothing wrong, buh buh buh! She then asks him how long he has known Christopher Steele, he says “I don’t” and she says “Well I think you’ve known him about two decades right?” Woooaahhhh. He insists he has never met CS. She pivots to asking what the consequences for not disclosing exculpatory evidence are. Gee Marsha, that’s a good question! He says it wasn’t deliberate, which is the same thing every other fucking person in this mess has claimed. No one did anything wrong! He thinks he was wrongly fired; he thinks none of them did nothing wrong. Marsha is like “The IG says you’re a boner. I’m pleased you’re no longer part of the FBI” Mother of GAWD she is on fire!
Blackburn is being straight up MEAN (but this douche has it coming so ask me how many fucks I give?) and I am loving the SHIT out of it! Andrew is on the verge of tears over the injustice of it all. Marsha just dropped her mic and yielded her time. *Ka Boom* Bitch!
Last but CERTAINLY not least (especially in my heart), is Uncle Foghorn Leghorn, aka John Kennedy from Loooozeeana. I love this man and if it ever comes to light that he’s a swamp creature it might LIT-rally break my tiny heart. I want to drink beers with him, I want him to tell me stories, I want him to teach me how to eat chicken feet or whatever the fuck they eat down in that god forsaken, snake and gator ridden state. He has great hair for an older dude! His first question is the weirdest interaction of the hearing, maybe…He asks (leaning back in his chair, with his fingers steepled like a total pimp), “Was the dossier key to your investigations?” Andy: “No, no importance, it was not involved at all when we initiated the case.” Excuse me, WHAT? I mean, WHAT? Then what the ever-living HELL was the investigation based on?! No, really, I’m not saying I know every detail of this case but I think I know more than the average bear and, I’m pretty sure that fan fic dossier had EVERYTHING to do with opening this monstrosity of an investigation! This man is Straight. Up. Lying. GITMO dammit!
Uncle Foghorn then asks Randy Andy who Igor Danchenko is. Andy has no idea. Spoiler Alert! He is the Primary Sub source of the Steel dossier! And furthermore, he’s a slithering DC swamp gator who pals around with that harpy Fiona Hill! Foghorn calls Danchenko a “Jellyhead”. And here I thought I could not love him more! He is basically calling him out on using the dossier and questioning NOTHING about it! He never interviewed Steele and he doesn’t know who the sources are. Foghorn ain’t having this guy’s shit.
“You expect the American people to buy this? You were fired for lying, not parking in a handicapped spot, yes?” (Have I mentioned my love?). Andy basically sobs like a girl about how flawed the IG report was and it’s not fair he lost his job and of course, it’s not his fault. What a PUSSY!
Foghorn hooks McCabe’s underpants to the flagpole and runs him up by asking if he has any idea how much damage he’s done to the FBI. Andy simpers about how he never did anything to undermine his oath or their work and he regrets how much rhetoric and politicization over the last 4 years have ruined the FBI. Implying of course, once again, that everything shitty is someone else’s fault. Probably mine, and probably yours! You dumb MAGA bastards.
So, what have we learned after 3+ hours of hearings and like, 6 hours of typing? Nothing. Not a thing. Nothing new, nothing admitted, nothing pressed. As far as accountability, we are today, exactly where we were yesterday, and the day before that, and so on. And people wonder why the American people have no faith in their government institutions? Because they’re all idiots on a stage, telling tales, all sound a fury, signifying (and solving) exactly, nothing.