Headlines With The Z News Team (8.5.22)

We here at the Z News Team have conversations outside of these headlines in between our articles. In the interest of keeping these columns interesting, those transitions will now be featured at the beginning of articles.

Dutch: Formatting and flow aside, Taylor Lorenzo is freakin' beat.


Burnout: Didn't they make a movie about her greasy skin? I think it was called Lorenzo's Oil?



Dutch: Not sure I can live in a world without Shakira.


Steve: Her jail house only fans will keep you warm though.


Burnout: I'm not sure I can live in a world where Ebaum's is a news source.

Steve: Can’t be worse than politico.


Burnout: Can you imagine a world where politico was just a bunch of dumb videos?


Steve: CNN?


Dutch: (Spanish Male Guards Volunteer to work Women’s Prison)

Micks: (, Millions Dead)



Dutch: More of a screen grab than headline.


Micks: Going way out on a limb here but I’m guessing those were innocent fighting dogs

Dutch: But were they rescued?

Micks: “Adopted, rescued.”

Burnout: At least someone from Seattle got shot. That's the real upside here.

Steve: Person robbing house is attacked by dogs and then shot. How hard was that, Fox13?

Burnout: Harder than breaking into an apartment building.



Burnout: Guard Wolverine.


Steve: Just shoot one of them.


Burnout: It's a pool. Not a Seattle apartment.

Steve: Yes, the pool is worth more than the Seattle apartment.


Dutch: Put one of that plastic covers over it like Lethal Weapon. Ruff Robbery, Dawg.


Steve: “No officer. I have no idea why they jumped in my pool with all those chains on.”

Dutch: Or maybe posting a sign saying "Stay Out the Pool, Asshole."


Steve: Head of the Police threatens audience in Poland.


Dutch: They realize that the threat is from the ©ommunists on their team, right?

Micks: Of course not, they’re Pollacks.



Dutch: This groomer realizes PG means Parental Guidance is suggested, right?


Burnout: "It was so PG."


*video is a series of recreations of the movie poster for Striptease*


Micks: Somehow we survived up until now without teachers putting videos of their students online, and somehow I think we’ll be ok if we continue that tradition.

Steve: When they say dance like no one is watching, they don’t mean force your students to dance and then post it on TikTok.



Burnout: Frasier episodes are just getting weird now.


Steve: The SBAZ is gonna be wild this fall.


Dutch: They’re chopping them up and feeding other homeless with them, aren’t they?


Steve: The old bait and switch.


Bart: “Starbucks baristas now trained as armed squad of Homeless Busting Pinkertons."


Steve: “Fight like they are going to unionize!”


Steve: Philadelphia 2: Pox in Seattle.


Burnout: Sleepless in Seattle 2: A homeless advocate falls in love with a mysterious business owner and tries to reconnect after a chance meeting. Starring Michael Keaton, Alicia Silverstone, and Freak Nasty as The Guardian Angel. (1999. **) (Cinemax 2:15am Saturday)



Steve: I guess I missed the part where we stopped laughing at nude grandmas at the grocery store.


Burnout: I didn't. I'm pretty sure this guy just writes for a smut blog.


Steve: Shouldn’t the hat be a dead giveaway?


Burnout: Yes. There's no commitment to the bit. This dude should be wearing a condom on his head instead.


Steve: Bathrobe and a glass of brandy ftw. Until your daughter takes over and ruins it.

Burnout: Ok yeah he could totally be Vince McMahon incognito. Vince McMahon with a condom on his head, obviously.


Dutch: Is misogyny afoot?

Steve: Always.


Burnout: Not here. We love and respect women named MommyPenny and MillennialOther.

Dutch: I don't have pictures. Just that camera with the line through it. Lousy Chinese website.

Burnout: No, I think it's just emo.


Dutch: So they have Emos putting up Baywatch pics? Kind of ironic?


Steve: So cool, it is uncool.

Dutch: I assumed it’s Chinese, given who the president is these days.


Burnout: Just millions of Chinese emo's, putting up pictures of scantily-clad women.

Dutch: Think you’re thinking of Japan?


Burnout: I mean, I don't see any tentacle porn, but it looks like this Jimbo guy is probably going to get there one day.


Dutch: Anyhoo… saw a few mins of Baywatch last night. Skinny Dipping was supposed to happen, then it didn’t.


Reminds me of this article.

Steve: Movie review: Shape of Water 10/10.

Burnout: Yeah, I'm going through the different articles now too, and it looks like this website is just a bunch of schizoid losers. Why is that one wearing a beehive on his head? God, I would hate it if we ever ended up there.

Dutch: Nick Wilbur writes, "Why the CDC Won't Say Butt Stuff." Well, they certainly aren’t saying "Pee in the mouth stuff" either.

Burnout: We are though. Z News will scream about mouth peeing.

Dutch: 98% of cases represent gay nen, 2% apparently this Nick fella.


Burnout: My takeaway from Flappr is that everyone named Nick has monkeypox.

Dutch: Well, Nicks and Bruces.

THINGS ARE SO MUCH MORE FUN WHEN YOU COMMENT