Headlines With The Z News Team (8.29.22)

Steve: New headline intro should be us making fun of BO’s voice to text.

Burnout: Everything that I contribute is already jumbled nonsense. What's the fun in just adding more of it at the front?

Steve: When you put it like that, everything

Burnout: Good point. I'm in.

Steve: It has to come naturally though. Like when it took you three tries to get "file."

Kyle: Scrolled back up to find it and now I feel like Ace Ventura.

Steve: “Put me in coach."

Kyle: I'm in tears at that first paragraph, I read it out loud alone in this room and I am crying. How did he get Dutch to be Dodge?

Burnout: My life is pain.

Kyle: Is not purposefully having gay orgies in the middle of an LGBTPOX+Q outbreak worthy of an NPR article on "precautions"? That's how little we expect from that community? "County Fair officials to test new requirements requiring chicken to be cooked before being served to attendees"

Steve: Colleague Hey David, what is that on your face?

Folkenflik: I was in New Orleans and there was this dog…

Steve: Colleague: Hey David, what is that on your face?

Folkenflik: I was in New Orleans and there was this dog…



F: Actually, you might say he rescued me, at least until that doctor’s appointment this morning.

Steve: Chastity belts for all!

Dutch: Hmm… those lesions look really gross, but I need group sex really bad!

Micks: At least they have the folks at NPR on hand to monitor the situation.

Steve: We’re going to have to shut NPR down until we figure out how Ari Shapiro’s nose rotted off.

Micks: Ask him to introduce me to that sister of his.

Burnout: Still less frequent than how much I vomit when I watch Nebraska football.

Steve: Have you been to Lincoln? I usually vomit when I get off the plane.

Burnout: I've only been to Nebraska once and did not stop in Lincoln.

Steve: I’ll give props to Scott Frost. He’s busting his ass trying to put lipstick in a pig. He may be successful. Odds are he gets a job at Vanderbilt and lives out his days.

Burnout: Wouldn't Vandy be an upgrade at this point?

Micks: Is it ever?

Burnout: Maybe if you're at Cal.

Kyle: That practice just sounds like me during sex, I DID warn her though.

Burnout: If you aren't vomiting and wearing the Cornhusker Corn Cob hat, are you even trying to make your partner happy?

Burnout: Can't believe they somehow figured out how to make softball even gayer.

Steve: I heard it was going to star Brittany Griner, but sometimes life happens.

Dutch: They also solved racial integration too apparently.

Burnout: Is there anything they can't do?

Dutch: Throw a 90mph fastball.

Steve: Fill the stands.

Micks: Reproduce without a man.

Steve: People love eating cancer.

Kyle: Move over cosmopolitans and comically oversized sunglasses. White women have a new accessory.

Steve: White women eating scorpions wasn’t on my 2022 bingo card.

Burnout: "I'm a Taurus but I love these Gemini shaped pigs-in-a-blanket"

Steve: White women breakup parties featuring Virgo shaped food to let everyone know she’s a born again virgin.

Burnout: Her friends will tell her she's going to meet a great one soon, even though she's got fewer eggs than a Soviet grocery store.

Steve: That’s what happens when you eat zodiac food.

Kyle: How many times do you think the phrase "Here's what's unique about me" is uttered by each of them over the course of the meal, before giving some detail that is anything but unique?

Steve: In D.C.? 7800. Everywhere else? 6209.

Micks: “Now let’s have another Zodiac theme, about my *other* obsession: true crime!”

Kyle: (Jimmy Carter has entered the chat).

Dutch: Meaning ass worms? We’re talking ass worms, right?

Steve: Was medieval Europe "Dune"?

Burnout: Medieval Europe was much cooler than Dune. Until the 1400s hit.

Steve: That plague thing was whack.

Burnout: Gave us some cool nursery rhymes though.

Steve: I’m just glad Frederick the great drowned before he had to hear them.