Burnout: Dutch, file that story away. I am already going to have to cut some this week but I really like that headline.
Steve: Translation: Dutch. Hold that one for next week. We have too many this week and people hate reading books.
Burnout: I mean yes.
Dutch: Let’s go Bill Simmons 10,000 word Mail Bag. Like the Old days!
Burnout: Or, let's never do anything that Bill Simmons might ever recommend.
Dutch: My Shit Cold and I ain’t murder nobody!
Micks: *waves hand, mumbles about socioeconomic factors that advantage lil’ wieners*
Steve: Sounds like we have a
Dutch: New on the menu… MURDER.
Micks: It could only be colder if we could solve the mystery of the ice cream machine.
Burnout: This headline is cut off because I want us to guess which airline it is.
Steve: Spirit Airlines is having another banner day.
Steve: 2 best parts of a spirit airline flight:
1. PPV level fight in the aisle halfway through the flight
2. Landing and realizing you just survived the 4th circle of hell
Burnout: I thought the best part was when they walk around trying to get you to sign up for the Spirit airline miles credit card. I always tell them I want one, then never fill it out because I would never voluntarily fly spirit airlines.
Steve: I have shelled out first class money to fly delta to avoid anything else. American, Lufthansa and southwest are mediocre at best. All others are trash.
Burnout: But I don't wanna layover in Atlanta.
Steve: I can introduce you to some single women in Atlanta though
Burnout: Can you introduce me to Vicky Woah?
Steve: Yes, but be ready to lose a kidney
Burnout: I'll risk it. Her utter trashiness is attractive to me.
Steve: You’d think New Yorkers would spend time pretending to not be homeless instead.
Dutch: So… they’re working for -$1/hour?
Micks: Follow Mx. Erb for more hot finance tips.
Steve: This loser spends an entire week walking around NYC telling everyone it is their birthday and decides to write an article instead of going back to the asylum.
Micks: It’s NYC—they never left.
Steve: Very true. Build the wall!
Burnout: "Four Trolls Made Fun of Me Online. Here's Why This is The Legacy of Trumpism."
Burnout: In this scenario, isn't the easiest way to save money to simply not go to a grotesque amusement park?
Steve: Better tip: don’t go to a swamp with a roller coaster.
Dutch: You thought Star Wars Fans were bad, just wait until you new Harry Potter Fans!
Steve: Isn’t Star Wars just Harry Potter in the future?
Burnout: Star Wars at least had Admiral Ackbar. And then E.T. was a galactic senator in that one.
Micks: At least ET has a ride!
Burnout: E.T. and the quest for a higher price on CMCSA shares.
Dutch: As if Star Wars gives a shit about ESG.
Dutch: I tried to type FREYA and GRETA came up, leading me to believe Thunberg had a say in killing the Walrus.
Micks: I imagine so, think of the carbon footprint that thing left.
Dutch: Big ass thing probably capsized Greta’s dinghy with its methane release valve.
Burnout: There is no way I wouldn't euthanize an environmentalist instead of a walrus.
Steve: If the choice is between Euthanizing the Fetal alcohol syndrome child or a majestic walrus, I’m picking the one that needs a boat.
Burnout: I am once again asking you to not eat at restaurants where the furniture has to be bolted to the floor.
Steve: Happened in Arizona so we gotta hear both sides.
Burnout: I mean, yes, but my point is that this is kind of like walking through the red light district and wondering why you got pickpocketed.
Steve: If you really want any of that trash, just order it off grub hub or postmates. There is only a 1/10 chance they kill you with a frying pan.
Burnout: Exactly. I mean, I don't eat a lot of fast food, but I have had some recently. I go through the much safer drive-thru though. It's probably been years since I actually ate inside one. It would be like when Ka-Zar returns to his ancient home after spending time with the x-men.
Steve: I only feel safe in inner city Chick-fil-As.
Burnout: I'm really having trouble wrapping my mind around "inner city" and "chick-fil-a."
Steve: Don’t look in New York or San Francisco for one.
Steve: Church’s chicken with a red logo.
Burnout: Speaking of the inner city, I haven't thought about Church's Chicken in years. There used to be one right by the United center in Chicago and all the homeless people would congregate there before Blackhawks games I guess to figure out where they would each panhandle.
Burnout: I just remember my dad always trying really hard to make that light so we didn't have to stare at the homeless or smell that awful chicken place.
Steve: I can state for a fact that I have never had church’s and I have had 10k opportunities.
Burnout: I think I would rather be hit in the head. Is there a restaurant that will do that for me?
Steve: Have you tried McDonald’s? Wendy’s if you’re desperate.
Dutch: Hmm… seems like attention seeking behavior to me?
Micks: Odd, transsexuals are usually so reserved.
Dutch: ‘You’re a little too over the top effeminate, and that’s coming from actual girls.’
Burnout: Well I mean one of the whole reasons that you join a sorority is to meet some dude who will make enough money to take care of you. What self-respecting guy is going to show up to the sorority with the transsexual?
Steve: That dude should start her own sorority and dominate the intramural sports.
Dutch: We don’t need another Lea Thompson, Steve!
Steve: She is an amazing swimmer. She should probably compete with the guys.
Burnout: Is there a Michelle Wie joke we can work in, or would that be limp wristed of us?
Steve: Michelle Obama would definitely beat Michelle Wie in a match. She has the balls to win.
Burnout: What about at calculus?
Steve: I thought that was a Japanese thing.
Micks: I must protest on behalf of Lea Thompson, who is a woman.
Dutch: Always a fan of the Elisabeth Shue thing she had going on.