Headlines With The Z News Team (8.19.22)

Burnout: Dutch, file that story away. I am already going to have to cut some this week but I really like that headline.

Steve: Translation: Dutch. Hold that one for next week. We have too many this week and people hate reading books.

Burnout: I mean yes.

Dutch: Let’s go Bill Simmons 10,000 word Mail Bag. Like the Old days!

Burnout: Or, let's never do anything that Bill Simmons might ever recommend.

Dutch: My Shit Cold and I ain’t murder nobody!

Micks: *waves hand, mumbles about socioeconomic factors that advantage lil’ wieners*

Steve: Sounds like we have a

*removes glasses*

Cold case

Dutch: New on the menu… MURDER.

Micks: It could only be colder if we could solve the mystery of the ice cream machine.

Burnout: This headline is cut off because I want us to guess which airline it is.

Steve: Spirit Airlines is having another banner day.

Burnout: Correct.

Steve: 2 best parts of a spirit airline flight:

1. PPV level fight in the aisle halfway through the flight

2. Landing and realizing you just survived the 4th circle of hell

Burnout: I thought the best part was when they walk around trying to get you to sign up for the Spirit airline miles credit card. I always tell them I want one, then never fill it out because I would never voluntarily fly spirit airlines.

Steve: I have shelled out first class money to fly delta to avoid anything else. American, Lufthansa and southwest are mediocre at best. All others are trash.

Burnout: But I don't wanna layover in Atlanta.

Steve: I can introduce you to some single women in Atlanta though

Burnout: Can you introduce me to Vicky Woah?

Steve: Yes, but be ready to lose a kidney

Burnout: I'll risk it. Her utter trashiness is attractive to me.

Steve: You’d think New Yorkers would spend time pretending to not be homeless instead.

Dutch: So… they’re working for -$1/hour?

Micks: Follow Mx. Erb for more hot finance tips.

Steve: This loser spends an entire week walking around NYC telling everyone it is their birthday and decides to write an article instead of going back to the asylum.

Micks: It’s NYC—they never left.

Steve: Very true. Build the wall!

Burnout: "Four Trolls Made Fun of Me Online. Here's Why This is The Legacy of Trumpism."

Burnout: In this scenario, isn't the easiest way to save money to simply not go to a grotesque amusement park?

Steve: Better tip: don’t go to a swamp with a roller coaster.

Dutch: You thought Star Wars Fans were bad, just wait until you new Harry Potter Fans!

Steve: Isn’t Star Wars just Harry Potter in the future?

Burnout: Star Wars at least had Admiral Ackbar. And then E.T. was a galactic senator in that one.

Micks: At least ET has a ride!

Burnout: E.T. and the quest for a higher price on CMCSA shares.

Dutch: As if Star Wars gives a shit about ESG.

Dutch: I tried to type FREYA and GRETA came up, leading me to believe Thunberg had a say in killing the Walrus.

Micks: I imagine so, think of the carbon footprint that thing left.

Dutch: Big ass thing probably capsized Greta’s dinghy with its methane release valve.

Burnout: There is no way I wouldn't euthanize an environmentalist instead of a walrus.

Steve: If the choice is between Euthanizing the Fetal alcohol syndrome child or a majestic walrus, I’m picking the one that needs a boat.

Burnout: I am once again asking you to not eat at restaurants where the furniture has to be bolted to the floor.

Steve: Happened in Arizona so we gotta hear both sides.

Burnout: I mean, yes, but my point is that this is kind of like walking through the red light district and wondering why you got pickpocketed.

Steve: If you really want any of that trash, just order it off grub hub or postmates. There is only a 1/10 chance they kill you with a frying pan.

Burnout: Exactly. I mean, I don't eat a lot of fast food, but I have had some recently. I go through the much safer drive-thru though. It's probably been years since I actually ate inside one. It would be like when Ka-Zar returns to his ancient home after spending time with the x-men.

Steve: I only feel safe in inner city Chick-fil-As.

Burnout: I'm really having trouble wrapping my mind around "inner city" and "chick-fil-a."

Steve: Don’t look in New York or San Francisco for one.

Burnout: Chick-Fil-Gay.

Steve: Church’s chicken with a red logo.

Burnout: Speaking of the inner city, I haven't thought about Church's Chicken in years. There used to be one right by the United center in Chicago and all the homeless people would congregate there before Blackhawks games I guess to figure out where they would each panhandle.

Burnout: I just remember my dad always trying really hard to make that light so we didn't have to stare at the homeless or smell that awful chicken place.

Steve: I can state for a fact that I have never had church’s and I have had 10k opportunities.

Burnout: I think I would rather be hit in the head. Is there a restaurant that will do that for me?

Steve: Have you tried McDonald’s? Wendy’s if you’re desperate.

Dutch: Hmm… seems like attention seeking behavior to me?

Micks: Odd, transsexuals are usually so reserved.

Dutch: ‘You’re a little too over the top effeminate, and that’s coming from actual girls.’

Burnout: Well I mean one of the whole reasons that you join a sorority is to meet some dude who will make enough money to take care of you. What self-respecting guy is going to show up to the sorority with the transsexual?

Steve: That dude should start her own sorority and dominate the intramural sports.

Dutch: We don’t need another Lea Thompson, Steve!

Steve: She is an amazing swimmer. She should probably compete with the guys.

Burnout: Is there a Michelle Wie joke we can work in, or would that be limp wristed of us?

Steve: Michelle Obama would definitely beat Michelle Wie in a match. She has the balls to win.

Burnout: What about at calculus?

Steve: I thought that was a Japanese thing.

Micks: I must protest on behalf of Lea Thompson, who is a woman.

Dutch: Always a fan of the Elisabeth Shue thing she had going on.