Headlines With The Z News Team (8.12.22)

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Dutch: This makes me think: "With my orange hair, this could happen to me!?!"


Micks: Yes but only because Nobody Is Safe™️


Dutch: We’re All in this Together®


Burnout: If turning your head into a Jack-o'-lantern won't protect you from the monkeypox, what hope do we have?



Burnout: Twist: the homeless people have to pay in Bitcoin.


Dutch: "Just as long as they stay out of the Getty Mansion." - Getty Boy Guv


Micks: “But which one dahling?” - Aunt Nancy, CEO Pelosi Capital


Steve: Lose your house? Use some of that worthless crypto to get a room at the Marriott tonight!


Steve: Venmo not accepted at California locations. We are under enough tax scrutiny.



Burnout: What does she want? Boys "Official 'This is Us' t-shirts"? Little boys love dinosaurs. I'm a childless idiot and even I get this concept.


Steve: Are they trans dinosaurs, though?


Burnout: Homeless Muslim gay wiccan transgender dinosaurs of color.


Steve: Allahu akheeeey.


Dutch: Isn’t it Racist© to assume girls don’t like dinosaurs? I mean, there were annoying women in "Jurassic Park."


Micks: It’s Ableist©, check your group privilege.


Burnout: Compromise: Disabled dinosaur t-shirts.


Dutch: One legged T-Rex.


Steve: Can they be smoking Newports?


Burnout: One legged gay homeless Muslim transgender T-Rexs of color smoking Newports are going to dominate the runways this fall.



Steve: "Here is why it is Trump’s fault." - Paul Krugman


Dutch: My grandmother died of Buzzfeed…err…cancer.


Micks: R.I.P., many such cases; I’m in treatment as we speak


Burnout: Do you think we'll ever get a cure?


Dutch: I thought Jezebel was the cure. Stupid Hulk Hogan Sex Tape.


Micks: Peter Thiel strikes again.



Dutch: Slow week at Rolling Stone.


Burnout: All right, this is pretty much everyone right? Everyone has been #metoo'd now?


Steve: Imagine not being molested by Fred Savage.


Micks: The real question now is who molested Fred Savage?


Dutch: Michael Savage?


Steve: His dad didn’t?


Burnout: I thought Peter Falk molested Fred Savage when they read the Princess Bride, thus ruining Savage's wonder years.


Micks: As he wished.



Burnout: I love how if you look at Trump's accomplishments, and his physical stature, he's basically an average old guy who had some good ideas but a pretty middle of the road presidency. And these people who hate him the most can't stop making him out to be more badass than Melkor combined with George Patton.


Steve: We could argue he was to the left of FDR before he became president. The deep state and the media radicalized him and they still don’t realize they did it. It is absolutely hilarious to me.


Micks: Picturing Trump on one of those D-shaped perches, surveying the decay of NYC atop Trump Tower.


Steve: Barron turning Quantico into his bachelor pad.


Burnout: The decimated remaining citizens of NYC live in fear of being eaten by the gay homeless transgender wiccan disabled T-Rex's that roam the city, looking for cartons of Newports.

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