Headlines With The Z News Team (7.29.22)

An expensive week all around as none of us can continue to afford feeding ourselves at the grocery store. Why not take some of the best medicine, laughter?

Join me (@mannurfa), Steve (sdamja1), Dutch (@gaylittlewiener), and Micks (@sir_micks_alot).

Burnout: Had no idea ducks were immune to COVID Dutch: Kinda bigoted towards Ducks, no? Burnout: "Up Next on 'The Reid Out': Duck Lives Matter." Micks: “I’ve had Covid 6 times and 5 vaccines.” “In this analogy, you’re a dodo.” Steve: We should rename the game “duck duck stroke”

Burnout: Even money says the manager is a Libertarian. Steve: I just wonder how much Alabama owner paid for 12 year olds. Dutch: Come to find out, the "12yos" ranged in age from 22-48 and consisted of DEI staff who identified as 12. Steve: OMG. It's in Montgomery. *Bart Inserts 8000 editor’s note* Burnout: I'm sure most of them were Haitian and if the Clinton Foundation has taught us anything, it's that abusing Haitian people is okay. Micks: Is this grooming? Steve: Would you rather work in a factory at 12 or go to school in Selma? Steve: If John Lewis were alive today, he’d be getting donations from Hyundai. The Hyundai Pettus Bridge.

Dutch: Depends. Are they oozing blood or spurting? Am I in good clothes? Micks: I carry around tampons in case I meet one. Steve: We have to wait to call the ambulance so we don’t miss the nurse TikTok. Burnout: I was going to say nothing, but if I combine your answers I get that we owe a bleeding stranger a delayed change of nurses. And somehow I think that's better.

Steve: I can’t believe people would take advantage of people using fake money. Dutch: All those drug dealers and hookers gon' be pissed their payments bounce. Burnout: I, for one, am shocked--shocked I say--that a bunch of currencies backed by the full faith and credit of the World of Warcraft have resulted in people losing all their money.

Dutch: I purposely stopped washing my hands in summer 2020, so there’s that. Micks: Obviously it’s The Vaccine™️ Steve: I avoided COVID by avoiding the press.

Dutch: Walking is a notable exercise utilized by many modern Indians. Burnout: How about by Ichabhodi Crainschwarma here? Micks: No mention as to the veracity of his suspicions, curious... Burnout: Dude it's India. It's like Mad Max over there. But with suped up elephants instead of cars. Dutch: Sounds like he Calcutta his wife’s head off! Steve: And so, the mystery of Taylor Lorenz is solved.

Steve: Leave it to the British to walk into an array of fast moving metal. “He won’t jump…oh shit…” Steve: Was Pinochet doing it wrong? Dutch: "No... We won’t hang you.. oh look! The Queen! Run say hi!" - Pinochet Steve: Hanged, drawn and quartered in under five seconds. New record for the crown. Dutch: Probably just legs continuing to walk for a few seconds. Nerve endings. Steve: Does a Brit run around for thirty seconds after losing their head or is that just Vietnamese? Burnout: I don't know about that, but I do know that Jack Fenton is the Babe Ruth, the Gordie Howe, the Tom Brady, and the Mario Andretti of stupid ways to die. Bartleby from out of nowhere: “Hey choppa you have a loicense for those propellas?” *is decapitated* That's all for this week. And remember, if you're living in London, don't forget: Bin that knife!