Headlines With The Z News Team (7.22.22)

This week has been hotter than a take from Vox Opinion. Sir Micks Alot (@sir_micks_alot) was down with some kind of Chinese virus, so it was up to myself (@mannurfa), Steve (@sdamnja1), and Dutch (@gaylittleweiner) to bring you this week's lesser news.

Burnout: Are hotels some kind of closely guarded secret?

Steve: “AirBnB host realizes idiots that rent an AirBnB can’t read.”

Burnout: It's just that I've been staying in hotels for years and have never been asked to do anything other than this. Maybe this deserves a Twitter Spaces, but seriously what is the upside to AirBnB? Do hotels in Miami not have kitchenettes or something?

Steve: The only upside is location, but if you get an AirBnB in St. Louis, you are a moron.

Dutch: You’ll just end up using all my Murphy’s Oil Soap and make a mess of everything.

Burnout: Longhorn fans believing Gary Patterson, a very qualified CFP level coach, is going to be okay sitting behind Steve Sarkisian, an unqualified drunk, is peak Texas delusion.

Steve: Texas is going to be the Vanderbilt of the SEC West, and I’m here for it.

Burnout: Alternate Headline: Gary Patterson patiently awaits firing of Steve Sarkisian.

Dutch: (Setting ESPN Alerts for Sarkisian Firing)

Steve: I feel like UT football should be local news.

Burnout: Like...like part of those cheesy "Friday Night Lights" segments local news does for high school games?

Steve: The greater problem with the sports media is their overt obsession with childhood heroes that did tons of cocaine and won championships which has led them to adopt a policy of dragging anyone that doesn’t align with their lackluster positions that got them to fame and fortune. It is how a trash Dallas Cowboys team is considered a Super Bowl contender year after year, when they can barely break .500. In a way, it makes them 10 times worse than the already fawning legacy media.

Burnout: This is a great point, but now explain people being excited about Rutgers football.

Steve: Don Imus, and fans of Don Imus.

Burnout: Was this show actually funny? Like, I was watching some not that long ago and couldn't figure out why I liked it before.

Steve: I never understood why they remade "Saved by The Bell" around a paper company.

Dutch: Once Pam and Jim hooked up the rest of the show was pointless.

Steve: She should’ve sued for sexual harassment.

Burnout: Counterpoint: I would have probably harassed Ellie Kemper.

Burnout: Make a more A.W.F.L. headline and your dinner is on me.

Steve: "Brain Damaged Woman Left Alone with Sharp Objects."

Dutch: Maybe she was identifying as a Crystal at the time?

Steve: "Demi Lovato Left with Injury after Date with President’s Son."

Dutch: Really happy for these two, and excited for their divorce 18 months from now.

Burnout: Hand to God, I thought Ben Affleck killed himself after playing Riddler.

Steve: Smoke a pack a day, eat nothing but Dunkin’ Donuts, and this could be you.

Burnout: You just described my mid 20s, and I actually had a cute Mexican girlfriend for a while.

Dutch: Modern day Liz Taylor.

Steve: He should dump her for Demi Lovato.