Headlines With The Z News Team (7.15.22)

Avast, ye mateys! It be I, Capn Burnout (@mannurfa), and me loyal seadogs, Mr. Steve (@sdamnja1) and Admiral Dutch (@gaylittleweiner). We be sailin' the mighty seas of the Internet, lookin' fer headlines ta plunder! This week, First Mate Micks (@sir_micks_alot) had shore leave on account of scurvy, but we got that landlubber Bart (@elderbartleby) ta fill his mighty shoes. So hoist tha John Quelch, ready the cannon, and prepare tah mock till yer belly aches.

Dutch: Hope she took her 6 cats into account in her haphazard financial planning. Burnout: Me? I just want a pet giraffe to ride around. Steve: I want to retire next year, but stuff still isn’t free. Burnout: This woman clearly has nobody that cares about her, because that person would have stopped her from submitting this. Dutch: She should have listened to that Ivy League MBA that bonused out at 30 and retired to Instagram Heaven. Burnout: Feel like that's on the tombstone of at least a couple art majors. Steve: I just wonder how her ex’s girlfriend feels about her retiring.

Burnout: I dunno; have you tried "Anywhere?" Steve: Imagine wanting to retire in Oakland. Dutch: "Maybe we can be pimps from Oakland!" Burnout: "I love the open drug use and human misery of San Francisco, but feel like my surroundings could be grimier." Bart: “If you want to retire in Oakland, hang around awhile - statistics show that Oakland will retire you."

Burnout: Aren't they out of water? Dutch: Does the word "Solve" have a different meaning these days?

Bart: Pictured: California transforming the pharmaceutical market.

Steve: Street pharmacists, like those in San Francisco and LA, will revolutionize the industry. Steve: The state that revolutionized (Soviet™️) forest management, water preservation, energy production and housing prices is going to revolutionize pharmaceuticals. Could one of you ask Prof. Jimbo how this ends for Californians? Burnout: No way Jimbo reads our ridiculous posts. He's too busy dreaming about his next trip to Taco Bell. Bartleby: He does read them, actually. Burnout: *Jesus weeps in silence*

Burnout: Unemployment is the longest meal break. Steve: Is it just me, or do flight attendants need to scale back on the meal breaks? Burnout: You ever flown a redeye? The whole thing is a meal break. Steve: Most of the flight attendants I see can barely fit down the aisle. AA should counter sue for generous gym breaks. Burnout: "Folks, we'll be rushing the beverage service in order to accommodate crew pilates." Steve: “We spent $100k on gym memberships and cut our uniform budget in half.” Burnout: In 50 years, flight attendants will just be gelatinous masses, sliding down the aisles nude, not unlike a goliath snail. Dutch: "Ma’am… I’m entitled to a 1hr lunch break!" "But the flight is only 1:15?" Steve: *flight from San Francisco crosses Oregon airspace* “Lunch break is over” *Throws attendant from plane* Dutch: That’s how DB Cooper did it. Burnout: DB Cooper would be the best flight attendant because he'd give you whatever you want. Dutch: "Where’s my Beefeater and tonic?" *Rear Exit Door Ajar* Burnout: Pretty sure the only thing DB Cooper wouldn't give you is a lunch break.

Burnout: Fox News: Last Decade's News Tonight! Steve: Alternate headline: San Francisco children walk past open air drug den to avoid pride parade. Burnout: Hell, I'd walk past an open air drug den to avoid pride. Steve: Pride gets kids hooked on drugs. Confirmed.