Headlines With The Z News Team (6.17.22)

Ahoy! Apologies for the missed weeks. Z News was on vacation (okay, I was on vacation and the boys faced some technical difficulties); thankfully, our wit never takes a day off. To come back, we've got five pretty wacky stories with 60 percent sportsball, so join myself (@mannurfa), Steve (@sdamja1), Dutch (@14_dutch), and Mix (@sir_micks_alot) as we navigate through the continued spiral of Western Civilization.

Burnout: I hope they have a Juneteenth BBQ.

Dutch: Aunt Jemima’s Watermelon Salad?

Steve: “Happy Father’s Day. If you don’t have one, happy Juneteenth. Help yourself to the watermelon salad."

Burnout: Museum should spend more time memorializing the Cream of Wheat guy.

Dutch: Eff that noise. Uncle Ben my (censored by Z News HR)!

Steve: I actually forgot museums exist.

Burnout: That's because you live in Texas, a place that thought building a "Ripley's Believe It or Not" across the street from the Alamo was appropriate.

Dutch: Museums are an affront to democracy. Daniel Boone was the Racist Patriarchy.

Burnout: Fredrick Douglas was the patriarchy, which also makes him racist.

Dutch: My dog is legally named Frederick Dogless.

Mix: “I’m Frederick Douglas, and I’m finna put down some watermelon salad!”

Dutch: "Local person loses luggage. Efforts made to replace it soon after."

Burnout: I can't believe an experience could be negative. Obama outlawed that.

Steve: “My suitcase was vibrating?”

Dutch: People usually assume that’s a bomb. Always turns out to be a dildo.

Steve: It's a dildo. Of course it's company policy never to imply ownership in the event of a dildo...always use the indefinite article a dildo, never your dildo.

Burnout: In California, open carry of dildos is legal.

Dutch: Actually encouraged.

Mix: Mandated in certain counties.

Burnout: No Child Left Behind: San Jose.

Dutch: ‘"Take a little off the sides."

Burnout: I can't believe it's that idiot's fault all those checks my mouth wrote in 2005 got cashed in 2016.

Mix: Maddon thinks he’s Benjamin Button, but he’s more like a male Madonna.

Burnout: Idk man, I only ever masturbated to one of them in "A League of Their Own."

Mix: Report for mandatory heteronormativity reprogramming, bigot.

Burnout: But it's pride month...nvm see you at 0800.

Burnout: I hope it's "outlandishly garish t shirts."

Dutch: And by "won’t violate 2nd amendment rights" he means "WILL violate second amendment rights," similar to how Michael Jordan violated his face at practice that one time.

Steve: I see China is allowing Steve to speak on issues again.

Burnout: "I'm Steve Kerr, and guns are awesome. All my players love their unregistered firearms."

Dutch: "I'm Steve Kerr, and I support Gilbert Arenas bringing his gat to the locker room."

Burnout: Jay Cutler deserved a Super Bowl.

Steve: Jay Cutler is the G.O.A.T. Brady won championships? Cutler nuked exes.

Burnout: How awesome do you think it'd be to golf with Jay Cutler, Gavin McInnes, and Jesse Ventura?

Steve: Bro, hitting the links with them would be the pinnacle of someone’s existence. Not mine, because I’m better than them.

Burnout: Tim Poole?

Steve: That kid that wears the beanie?

Burnout: Is that what those are called? I thought they were called "dorky, misshapen hats for nerds."

Steve: Baldness coveralls for gen z.

Burnout: Jay Cutler is too cool for anything except smoking and being awesome.

Steve: Jay Cutler is to football what Colin Kaepernick is to feminism.

Burnout: Cutler 2024.

Steve: Cutler Insurrection 2022.

Burnout: Cutler is love. Cutler is life.