Ahoy! Apologies for the missed weeks. Z News was on vacation (okay, I was on vacation and the boys faced some technical difficulties); thankfully, our wit never takes a day off. To come back, we've got five pretty wacky stories with 60 percent sportsball, so join myself (@mannurfa), Steve (@sdamja1), Dutch (@14_dutch), and Mix (@sir_micks_alot) as we navigate through the continued spiral of Western Civilization.
Burnout: I hope they have a Juneteenth BBQ.
Dutch: Aunt Jemima’s Watermelon Salad?
Steve: “Happy Father’s Day. If you don’t have one, happy Juneteenth. Help yourself to the watermelon salad."
Burnout: Museum should spend more time memorializing the Cream of Wheat guy.
Dutch: Eff that noise. Uncle Ben my (censored by Z News HR)!
Steve: I actually forgot museums exist.
Burnout: That's because you live in Texas, a place that thought building a "Ripley's Believe It or Not" across the street from the Alamo was appropriate.
Dutch: Museums are an affront to democracy. Daniel Boone was the Racist Patriarchy.
Burnout: Fredrick Douglas was the patriarchy, which also makes him racist.
Dutch: My dog is legally named Frederick Dogless.
Mix: “I’m Frederick Douglas, and I’m finna put down some watermelon salad!”
Dutch: "Local person loses luggage. Efforts made to replace it soon after."
Burnout: I can't believe an experience could be negative. Obama outlawed that.
Steve: “My suitcase was vibrating?”
Dutch: People usually assume that’s a bomb. Always turns out to be a dildo.
Steve: It's a dildo. Of course it's company policy never to imply ownership in the event of a dildo...always use the indefinite article a dildo, never your dildo.
Burnout: In California, open carry of dildos is legal.
Dutch: Actually encouraged.
Mix: Mandated in certain counties.
Burnout: No Child Left Behind: San Jose.
Dutch: ‘"Take a little off the sides."
Burnout: I can't believe it's that idiot's fault all those checks my mouth wrote in 2005 got cashed in 2016.
Mix: Maddon thinks he’s Benjamin Button, but he’s more like a male Madonna.
Burnout: Idk man, I only ever masturbated to one of them in "A League of Their Own."
Mix: Report for mandatory heteronormativity reprogramming, bigot.
Burnout: But it's pride month...nvm see you at 0800.
Burnout: I hope it's "outlandishly garish t shirts."
Dutch: And by "won’t violate 2nd amendment rights" he means "WILL violate second amendment rights," similar to how Michael Jordan violated his face at practice that one time.
Steve: I see China is allowing Steve to speak on issues again.
Burnout: "I'm Steve Kerr, and guns are awesome. All my players love their unregistered firearms."
Dutch: "I'm Steve Kerr, and I support Gilbert Arenas bringing his gat to the locker room."
Burnout: Jay Cutler deserved a Super Bowl.
Steve: Jay Cutler is the G.O.A.T. Brady won championships? Cutler nuked exes.
Burnout: How awesome do you think it'd be to golf with Jay Cutler, Gavin McInnes, and Jesse Ventura?
Steve: Bro, hitting the links with them would be the pinnacle of someone’s existence. Not mine, because I’m better than them.
Burnout: Tim Poole?
Steve: That kid that wears the beanie?
Burnout: Is that what those are called? I thought they were called "dorky, misshapen hats for nerds."
Steve: Baldness coveralls for gen z.
Burnout: Jay Cutler is too cool for anything except smoking and being awesome.
Steve: Jay Cutler is to football what Colin Kaepernick is to feminism.
Burnout: Cutler 2024.
Steve: Cutler Insurrection 2022.
Burnout: Cutler is love. Cutler is life.