WoooooooOOOOOooooOOoOOoOoOOo we're back and ready to take on the headlines you may have missed. This week it's once again myself, Burnout (@MannUrfa), Steve (@sdamnja1), and Dutch Schultz (@14_dutch). This week had some really strange headlines that made us reach for the stars as it were.
Dutch: I, too, like hugging sweaty people caked in make up.
Burnout: You could be Elon Musk and still not have enough money to justify spending $1,200 on amusement parks every year.
Steve: Woman spends $1,200 a year to stalk children.
Dutch: "Hello, Cinderella! I love your castle!" (crazy eyes)
Steve: “I'm fumbled ore and you’re Harry. I need to see you in my office.” *points at wood shed* The woman is an area teacher recently featured on libs of tiktok.
Burnout: "I went to Disney and the lack of transgender homeless Muslim princesses is disgusting."
Dutch: A chilling effect. Democracy is dying in darkness again.
Steve: The $1,200 pass comes with a coupon for one free pizza from Comet's.
Burnout: There is definitely a rapey vibe here. That's a horrifying thought, but in a way, it at least explains paying $1,200 a year to walk around and watch plays. "I can't afford to go to the gym and watch Cinderella on my phone. I need $1,200 for Disney."
Dutch: Twitter, obviously. Let's move on while I collect my billions.
Steve: I’m exceptionally good at inflating my budget which is why I’m still poor.
Burnout: He definitely writes "follow your dreams" or "live laugh love" in graduation cards.
Steve: His advice is basically "quit being poor."
Burnout: "Hungry? Quit starving!"
Dutch: Use this one weird trick to be exceptionally good at something.
Dutch: Can't believe the Buscemi "hello there, fellow students" meme became real.
Burnout: Does there come a point where you have to just go along with it if you're a cop? "Guess we're really street racing; sorry, Chief Gillespie."
Steve: Those kids would’ve been better off robbing stores in Atlanta.
Burnout: Or burning down a Wendy's. SMASH THE FAST FOOD MATRIARCHY!
Dutch: "You’re a loose cannon, Skinner! Badge and gun!" - Chief Gillespie, after hearing about the botched undercover street race.
Burnout: The Thin Blue Line, shattered.
Burnout: I'm relatively tech savvy, but this is just word salad right?
Steve: You say word salad, but I do recall when WW1 coin erupted into chaos after Germany invaded France through the Belgian yacht club and the British had to get involved, which you can learn about with Jimbo's documentary.
Burnout: You know, in a way, I blame FuncoLand going out of business.
Steve: I blame "The Simpsons" for normalizing comedic hysteria.
Burnout: How is any of that headline real?
Steve: I have at least 12 meta houses on lease right now to billionaires for a dollar a day. This makes perfect sense to me.
Burnout: My version of Roller Coaster Tycoon doesn't have meta houses but it does have a neato Alice in Wonderland set.
Steve: I built a roller coaster with my bare mouse one time. Took everything I had and then windows 97 crashed.
Burnout: My brother and I had a rockin park going with the Alice in Wonderland theme then all of a sudden the game stopped sending guests. Turns out we'd built a ride on top of a kid and nobody would come until we freed him.
Steve: I remember playing Sim City 2000, getting frustrated and calling ib disasters to finish off the worthless characters.
Burnout: The worst part was when you'd get some random retarded broken Sim who wanted to pay you in ApeCoin.
Burnout: Probably can't afford the diesel.
Dutch: There’s Probably concerns amongst the aliens regarding Aaron Rodgers' and Shailene Woodley’s break up. They want to let things cool down before just showing up.
Steve: Do aliens really want to come here and be asked by Brian Stelter their opinions on abortion?
Steve: Aliens arrive: “we would like to share our advanced technology with you”
The left: “do you support universal healthcare for transgender migrants?”
Burnout: Aliens: "we come bearing the secret to eternal bliss" Left: "Is it trans friendly?"
Dutch: Aliens: "Hmm… can we perform unfettered lifestyle-based abortions on you?"
Burnout: Gavin Newsome would immediately invite them to California.
That's all folks!