Headlines With The Z News Team (5.20.22)

Another week is in the books, which means another week of myself (@mannurfa), Steve (@sdamnja1), Dutch (@14_dutch), and Sir Micks A Lot (@sir_micks_alot) mocking humanity as it further debases itself.

Burnout: If you're going to be a murderer, good cardiovascular health is key.

Steve: He was heart broken.

Micks: Bitches be witches, amirite?

Steve: Hard to believe it happened. You leave a toilet seat up one time and you die of a heart attack.

Dutch: Next time he’ll strangle her after digging the hole with him first.

Burnout: Remember that episode of Seinfeld where George quits his job, then realizes it was a bad idea and tries to just show up like nothing happened? I feel like that could be an allegory for this.

Steve: Did your fake currency tank? You may be entitled to compensation!

Burnout: The hubris of these people. "Haha you idiots! We're going to replace the dollar! Get on board or get rekt!" *dumb made up currency backed by nobody loses all value* "Can we have some dollars please?"

Micks: It’s a conspiracy by the Fed to boost the dollar’s image, perhaps?

Burnout: I want to believe that, but this is the same government that spends millions every year studying the sexual preferences of mice, which is still a better use of your time than cryptocurrency.

Steve: Klaus smiles as he looks down at his notepad and slowly crosses the name ethereum of his list.

Dutch: ‘Can insurance pay out my ponzi victims?’

‘Did you buy the insurance?’

‘No… I did not buy the insurance…’

Steve: Where we’re going, the FDIC pays our way.

Burnout: This'll be stiff competition for the "All Male Hooters" and the "Dave & Busters Library."

Micks: I don’t think anything's going to be stiff in there.

Dutch: So… they’ll reserve a real sport like NCAA Softball for men’s bars, right?

Steve: Finally, a bar no one wants to go to.

Steve: “Dude! this new bar is giving out free drinks, but they only play wnba and hallmark channel.”

“Hard pass”

Burnout: A bar that only played Hallmark Christmas movies would be more interesting.

Dutch: ‘What can I get you? Wait… wait… John Stamos is going to kiss some girl…’

Micks: “Have they had their fight yet?”

Dutch: Make-up Kissing!!!

Burnout: Character as a symbol of Santa Claus! Round of Rumpleminz on me!

Burnout: Yes. Yes this Hallmark bar is a better idea.

Burnout: Hero.

Steve: He should run for congress.

Dutch: Real Men of Genius.

Steve: What are the odds he looks like Milton from "Office Space"?

Dutch: Japan rectifies situation by just deleting the money they printed.

Micks: I'm just looking forward to pretending I’ve seen the anime adaptation.

Dutch: Was the hole in the front or the back?

Micks: What else are you going to cut a hole in your blue jumpsuit for? It’s not like it’s the purple one.

Burnout: I was surprised they even made jumpsuits without a sex hole. Seems needlessly old fashioned.

Micks: Stealing that idea to *ahem* present a business opportunity to Megan.

Burnout: Back in the day you could totally have pitched that idea to Abercrombie.

Micks: “Yes Ms. Fox, no need to cut a sex hole in this one. If you’ll allow me to demonstrate…”

Burnout: "The stitching is high up to reduce friction for you and your partner...well yes I suppose you could just take your clothes off to have sex...hello? Hello?...shoot"

Dutch: ‘Hello, Stylist! Why, just the other day I ripped a hole in my jumpsuit in order to have intercourse! It was a rousing good time!’

‘Uhh… same thing as last time, Meg?’

Burnout: I hate these types of articles. They aren't life hacks, or neat tricks, they're just different ways of doing things. Some lunatic on a dumb Chinese spy app did a thing differently. The end.

Steve: I am happy Taylor Lorenz found a new purpose in life.

Steve: Snapchat “you’ve been using blenders wrong this whole time!” *sticks arm in blender*

Burnout: There's this whole generation of idiots who think products don't last long, when really they just need to read the manufacturer's instructions.

Steve: GE microwave: 1/10. My fork wasn’t even warm before it quit working.

Micks: “Why is this cheap Chinese garbage failing?” *attempting to wash dishes in an oven*

Dutch: ‘Local Dipshit shares opinion on common issues’

Burnout: Now you're just writing titles for David French columns.

Steve: The good thing about social media is that it gave a voice to the masses. The bad thing is that 90% of the masses are idiots.

Dutch: Guess it beats… JFC… I don’t know what this beats. This has to be The Bee.

Burnout: Loooooooooong night at creative. That or one of the executives has a very retarded kid that loves She-Hulk and Law & Order.

Dutch: Incredible Hulk.

Incredible Hulk as a Chick.

Incredible Hulk as a Chick Attorney!

(Smashed in back of the head by baseball bat)

Burnout: That scenario is unlikely because we don't normally hit people in the middle of a combined stroke + grand mal seizure.

Steve: Nothing says lawyer quite like a giant green woman in a pantsuit.

Steve: “Hillary Clinton Origins: She Hulk”

The headlines never end, but this column does. Now go finish that second job application so you can fill up your car and grocery cart.