Another week is in the books, which means another week of myself (@mannurfa), Steve (@sdamnja1), Dutch (@14_dutch), and Sir Micks A Lot (@sir_micks_alot) mocking humanity as it further debases itself.
Burnout: If you're going to be a murderer, good cardiovascular health is key.
Steve: He was heart broken.
Micks: Bitches be witches, amirite?
Steve: Hard to believe it happened. You leave a toilet seat up one time and you die of a heart attack.
Dutch: Next time he’ll strangle her after digging the hole with him first.
Burnout: Remember that episode of Seinfeld where George quits his job, then realizes it was a bad idea and tries to just show up like nothing happened? I feel like that could be an allegory for this.
Steve: Did your fake currency tank? You may be entitled to compensation!
Burnout: The hubris of these people. "Haha you idiots! We're going to replace the dollar! Get on board or get rekt!" *dumb made up currency backed by nobody loses all value* "Can we have some dollars please?"
Micks: It’s a conspiracy by the Fed to boost the dollar’s image, perhaps?
Burnout: I want to believe that, but this is the same government that spends millions every year studying the sexual preferences of mice, which is still a better use of your time than cryptocurrency.
Steve: Klaus smiles as he looks down at his notepad and slowly crosses the name ethereum of his list.
Dutch: ‘Can insurance pay out my ponzi victims?’
‘Did you buy the insurance?’
‘No… I did not buy the insurance…’
Steve: Where we’re going, the FDIC pays our way.
Burnout: This'll be stiff competition for the "All Male Hooters" and the "Dave & Busters Library."
Micks: I don’t think anything's going to be stiff in there.
Dutch: So… they’ll reserve a real sport like NCAA Softball for men’s bars, right?
Steve: Finally, a bar no one wants to go to.
Steve: “Dude! this new bar is giving out free drinks, but they only play wnba and hallmark channel.”
Burnout: A bar that only played Hallmark Christmas movies would be more interesting.
Dutch: ‘What can I get you? Wait… wait… John Stamos is going to kiss some girl…’
Micks: “Have they had their fight yet?”
Dutch: Make-up Kissing!!!
Burnout: Character as a symbol of Santa Claus! Round of Rumpleminz on me!
Burnout: Yes. Yes this Hallmark bar is a better idea.
Steve: He should run for congress.
Dutch: Real Men of Genius.
Steve: What are the odds he looks like Milton from "Office Space"?
Dutch: Japan rectifies situation by just deleting the money they printed.
Micks: I'm just looking forward to pretending I’ve seen the anime adaptation.
Dutch: Was the hole in the front or the back?
Micks: What else are you going to cut a hole in your blue jumpsuit for? It’s not like it’s the purple one.
Burnout: I was surprised they even made jumpsuits without a sex hole. Seems needlessly old fashioned.
Micks: Stealing that idea to *ahem* present a business opportunity to Megan.
Burnout: Back in the day you could totally have pitched that idea to Abercrombie.
Micks: “Yes Ms. Fox, no need to cut a sex hole in this one. If you’ll allow me to demonstrate…”
Burnout: "The stitching is high up to reduce friction for you and your partner...well yes I suppose you could just take your clothes off to have sex...hello? Hello?...shoot"
Dutch: ‘Hello, Stylist! Why, just the other day I ripped a hole in my jumpsuit in order to have intercourse! It was a rousing good time!’
‘Uhh… same thing as last time, Meg?’
Burnout: I hate these types of articles. They aren't life hacks, or neat tricks, they're just different ways of doing things. Some lunatic on a dumb Chinese spy app did a thing differently. The end.
Steve: I am happy Taylor Lorenz found a new purpose in life.
Steve: Snapchat “you’ve been using blenders wrong this whole time!” *sticks arm in blender*
Burnout: There's this whole generation of idiots who think products don't last long, when really they just need to read the manufacturer's instructions.
Steve: GE microwave: 1/10. My fork wasn’t even warm before it quit working.
Micks: “Why is this cheap Chinese garbage failing?” *attempting to wash dishes in an oven*
Dutch: ‘Local Dipshit shares opinion on common issues’
Burnout: Now you're just writing titles for David French columns.
Steve: The good thing about social media is that it gave a voice to the masses. The bad thing is that 90% of the masses are idiots.
Dutch: Guess it beats… JFC… I don’t know what this beats. This has to be The Bee.
Burnout: Loooooooooong night at creative. That or one of the executives has a very retarded kid that loves She-Hulk and Law & Order.
Dutch: Incredible Hulk.
Incredible Hulk as a Chick.
Incredible Hulk as a Chick Attorney!
(Smashed in back of the head by baseball bat)
Burnout: That scenario is unlikely because we don't normally hit people in the middle of a combined stroke + grand mal seizure.
Steve: Nothing says lawyer quite like a giant green woman in a pantsuit.
Steve: “Hillary Clinton Origins: She Hulk”
The headlines never end, but this column does. Now go finish that second job application so you can fill up your car and grocery cart.