Headlines with the Z News Team (5.13.22)

Kaloo Kalay! It's another end of the week with your favorite team. There was an avalanche of content this week, and we were joined by Sir-Micks-A-Lot (@sir_micks_alot) in addition to myself (@MannUrfa), Steve (@sdamnja1), and Dutch (@14_Dutch).

Settle in, laugh, and leave work early because it's Friday.

Burnout: Doesn't this kind of depend on if you're at a Perkins?

Dutch: FALSE: Waffle House!

Burnout: Tiger Woods never scored with a Waffle House waitress. Definitely better food and atmosphere though.

Steve: Starting to think Chuck just loves hanging around degenerate gamblers.

Micks: Chuck voice: "Here’s a tip America: When you’re gambling on the video slots next to the Perkins bathroom, don’t write your waitress a check that says 'biscuits & gravy.'"

Steve: I do believe Chuck is right about Tiger. I mean, he is a year removed from trying to kill himself and make it look like an accident.

Burnout: "Why isn't this clinically depressed nymphomaniac more lighthearted?"

Micks: He needs a healthy well adjusted peer to mentor him. Michael Jordan, perhaps.

Micks: He transmogrified into Florida man?

Steve: Clean car. Pleasant driver. 1 star.

Burnout: I think the bigger lesson here is that getting into a stranger's car isn't a great idea. "Violent psychopaths could never figure out how to apply for a job."

Steve: Roy Halladay disappeared wrong.

Dutch: Who texts 911? Was it a pager?

Steve: If a transit van has “Uber” spray painted on the side, don’t get it.

Micks: Millennials and their “phone anxiety” smh.

(Editor's Note: Oh no . . . )

Burnout: Is there any joke we can make that won't get us in trouble? (Editor's Note: Oh no . . . )

Steve: You know the person that wrote that headline is fired now.

Dutch: Headlines from 1830. (Editor's Note: Oh no . . . )

Steve: “Up next, we have a very fine specimen. Press secretary material.” (Editor's Note: Oh no . . . )

Burnout: Roots? Is there a joke there? (Editor's Note: Oh no . . . )

Steve: *slaps roof of covered wagon* “You can fit so many press secretaries in this thing." (Editor's Note: Oh no . . . )

Micks: Ask the Clinton Foundation, they seem to have a thing for extracting value from Haitians. (Editor's Note: Oh no . . . )

Burnout: *calls Clinton Foundation* *Wyclef Jean answers* (Editor's Note: Oh no . . . )

Dutch: "Hi again, Wyclef; look--I really need to talk to Rihanna…"(Editor's Note: Oh no . . . )

Burnout: Because NASCAR blows.

Steve: All I see is more reason to buy Skoal.

Dutch: Hmm…it’s just not safe enough yet (tm).

Steve: Out: skoal. In: fake nooses.

Micks: “Hey, tobacco, this is libtard country.”

Burnout: "History is bad in this case because everyone who watches NASCAR might buy Skoal instead of beating their wives and also because we hate the South."

Dutch: Here comes Jeff Gordon out of retirement in the MoveOn dot org car!

Steve: Remember kids: when driving two hundred miles per hour, try not to use products that enhance your concentration.

Burnout: One of my favorite side stories to the "the West is running out of water" bit is how Los Angeles basically covered a bunch of natural reservoirs and river drains in concrete that takes runoff straight to the ocean. So it's way less that it's a drought, and more that we all have to suffer because L.A. is retarded.

Micks: Reservoirs? Where we’re going (third world hellhole) we don’t need reservoirs, we’ll just import water from notoriously wet Nevada and Arizona.

Steve: Think we can get them to drink ocean water for a week?

Micks: Package it as hard seltzer; they won’t blink an eye.

Burnout: Truly: Ocean Misters.

Steve: Can you imagine how bad you have to be to get called trash by Antonio Brown?

Dutch: ‘"Kaep is trash." (ejaculates on trainer to be funny)

Burnout: "Kaep is trash." (hits toddler with a chair)

Micks: “Kaep is trash." (loses popularity contest to Roger Goodell)

Steve: Kaep is the reason he walked off the field in the middle of the game/season with the Bucs.

Burnout: Kaep is why gas prices are high.

Dutch: "Hmm…you sounded a little taller on the radio."

Burnout: Chasing giant freaks with pitch forks is a time honored tradition.

Steve: Gotta say that the short guy probably deserved the win if he got the better of a professional athlete.

Dutch: (POP POP POP POP!!!) "DAMN! That Dude’s Size made him quite intimidating!"

Micks: "Thank God I had my 50 caliber gold desert eagle with me."

Steve: “So, this tall guy walks towards me, and I’m all like “Blam! Blam! Blam!” And then I ran. How hard am I?”

Abada badeebadeebadee that's all folks!