We here at Flappr are dedicated to bringing you all the news, but there's just so much. In an effort to combat that, we have formed The Z Team, a crack team of formerly reliable columnist yours truly, and my online terrorist friends. Now, and better than Vox.com, here's all the news that's fit to explain. This week's NewsExplainerZ are Burnout (that's me! @MannUrfa), Purportedly Steven (@sdamnja1), and Dutch Schultz (@14_Dutch).
Burnout: I feel like the Fictosexual flag is just white, because you've given up.
Steve: Dude’s Japanese. It was this or seppuku.
Burnout: Ok so we both picked up on this dude probably not being a catch. Do you think he tried online dating, or went straight from prom rejection to toy diddler?
Steve: The guy is the “please babe” meme saying “I’m going to create a digital girlfriend.”
Burnout: "This'll show those jocks at Delta House. WHO'S DATELESS NOW?"
Steve: Legit crisis if women looking for men to have children with in Japan and this guy marries an avi. Is Japan that broken culturally? Do I need to send a squad of soccer moms over there to teach them to make sandwiches?
Burnout: I don't think it's broken so much as that whole place is a circus. It's the home of cartoon porn and a video game city; how functional can their interpersonal relationships be?
Steve: They are number one in scatological toys. Who even wants to make that?
Steve: Japan is a weird place. This guy exemplifies it. I’m surprised they haven’t made him emperor.
Burnout: Another case of Fictosexual discrimination.
Steve: Probably had it coming.
Burnout: I mean those Tesla batteries aren't going to power themselves.
Steve: My new biggest regret is not getting plastic surgery to look Chinese and moving to Africa.
Burnout: Were there no local qualified candidates for mine manager?
Steve: It is hilarious that all the white libs talk about whites rolling back Africa with colonialism while they allow China to completely dominate the region.
Burnout: If we've learned anything about the Chinese, it's that they make a quality, long lasting product, so I'm sure their stranglehold is secure.
Burnout: Imagine a country on the brink of starvation invading the only continent also on the brink of starvation.
Steve: Dude. It is insane. I miss @zerosum24 I need him back.
Burnout: He's probably managing some other Rwandan mine. Mine managers are their biggest import.
Steve: He posted my raw Russian Ukraine material. It was getting spicy. His account has been locked for a while. Has to accept me. I had a respectable account. Now I have to go begging to formal mutuals I liked to get follows back (Goons excluded).
Burnout: As bad as I feel for you, we're getting side tracked. The Chinese are getting beat back by starving Rwandans.
Burnout: My last three vacations combined cost like half that.
Steve: My family spent three days under a bridge on the LA river for 18.50, and the dog got us 74 in donations.
Burnout: Full disclosure: everyone in this article *could* afford this, but we don't have brain worms. Burnout: Can you imagine paying 6 grand to play pretend for a few days? Steve: No. They should starve Burnout: The best part is "it was so worth it." These are the same people still satisfied with their DirecTV subscription because it has video on demand. Steve: I’d get 6500 for two nights in a villa on a Greek island, but can you imagine saying “I stayed in Orlando for two nights and it was only $6500.” Burnout: I don't think I could finish without laughing hysterically. Like, I'm reading that sentence but I can't actually envision making the sounds to reproduce it. Steve: "It was supposed to four of us, but we also sold our daughter to Disney execs for a discount." Burnout: Think of the target market for this. $6500 probably buys a whole harem of Fictosexual wives. Steve: Live in the pod, eat the bugs, mate with avi holograms.
Dutch: People always trying to tell me how to parent my kids Burnout: First CRT, now this. Steve: If you have to tell your kids to stay away from a large reptile, it is only a matter of time before they Darwin themselves anyway. Steve: "Back in my day we played with giant gators and that's why my friends call me stubby." Dutch: "Been playin' with Gators (spits) for FORTY YEARS!" Burnout: "I can't afford to buy that fancy schmanz Crocodile Dentist toy! This is just as good. Now get daddy his Budweiser and smokes."
Dutch: Jendo Psaki screws up her misinformation again. Burnout: Fauci says it, but do we identify as being out of the pandemic phase? Steve: I need to know what state the pandemic went to kindergarten in. Burnout: Shenzen. Steve: What are the pandemics pronouns? Dutch: Fauci/Gates. Steve: "This ride never ends." Burnout: But this column does! We'll see you next time!