Fuck Fishing.

I grew up and have lived the entirety of my life in a city, a big city. There was not much fishing where I grew up. I didn't know a single person who "fished" as a kid. I grew up playing baseball in an alley, watching television, playing Sega Genesis and then, once things evolved a bit, playing Unreal Tournament (or Counterstrike) via LAN parties at other kids houses or whatever. I did NOT fish. Nobody did. My pops fixed cars and chain smoked Marlboro Reds on the weekends, but did not fish and never took me fishing. If I asked him to take me fishing, I think he might have slapped me. It is NOT something people do around these parts. So, when I decided to give it a go this Memorial Day Weekend, you can imagine it was a bit of a culture/life shock for me. Let me tell you, it was AWFUL and fishing can fuck RIGHT OFF.

Say what you want, but she UNDERSTOOD me.

Lets start with the obvious, you have to be outside. I mean, maybe there is some type of indoor fishing experience that exists, but I believe that most fishing happens outside. This is a stark contrast to daily life living in a big city, where the majority of time is spent in an office, a car, a train, a gym, a store, a movie theater, a coffee shop, a restaurant, or your apartment or house (these days, definitely more limited to the last two). There I was, outdoors, sitting on a boat, on a lake, in the fucking SUN, sweating my BALLS OFF, getting sun burned. . . . I haven't had this much color on my skin since I went through that Jersey Shore spray tanning phase. I got so much sun, I probably won't even get scurvy anymore. It's fantastic.

I'm LuXi, I only catch male fish to end the patriarchy.

So if being outdoors wasn't bad enough, when you're far enough away from civilization - you DONT get very good cell phone service. Can you fucking imagine? I'm sitting there outdoors, in the sun, and I'm not getting an e-mail notification, twitter notifications, I'm basically OFF THE GRID! What if @Soylent_Lament wrote a dank tweet about lizard people? What if Smug owned a Lib? Well buddy. . . both things happened while I was fishing and I didn't see them until like. . . HOURS later. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? FISHERMEN (FISHERPEOPLE? FISHERXER? Tryin to be gender non-conforming here) MUST HAVE NO TWITTER FOLLOWERS! HOW DO PEOPLE FUCKING LIVE THIS WAY? It was fantastic.

We haven't even gotten to the act of fishing itself. GET THIS: you take your fishing pole (they call it a "rod," lol - phrasing much?) and you like fling (they call it "casting") the hook part out into the water (I don't even know what they call this part, tbh). Oh, and you need to take a live worm and attach it to the hook part. FUCKING BARBARIC.

Ok, great, now what?

Umm... you sit in the fucking boat. With your friends and/or family. AND YOU WAIT. You talk with other people, in the sun, drink a beer, maybe tell a few jokes, listen to some music and just WAIT for a fish to come and bite your fishing hook thing. What a fucking farce. I mean, I probably had the most meaningful, relaxed and rewarding conversation with my friends and/or family that I have had in years. SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK!

Gonna catch this fish and help it find God, BRAH!

You know what happens after awhile? You reel in your hook thingy and then you do the same thing over again. IF YOU'RE LUCKY, you actually catch one of these slippery motherfuckers on your hook thingy (I guess they see that worm, impaled and fighting for its life and the dumb fish fucker, try to eat the stupid worm fucker and get got by the hook. IDIOTS!) and you gotta try to bring the fish back to you using the spinny part (the "reel") of the fishing rod. FUCKING BARBARIC! FUCKING EXHILARATING AND TOTALLY WORTH THE WAIT is what I would've said if I had actually caught a fish. I did not. But others did and it was amazing to see them own a fish with a little hooked trap.

Can I purchase 1 crack, please?

So lets review - you go outdoors, you get some gear, you get on a boat, you get some sun, you spend some time with family and friends, you don't stare at a screen for hours on end waiting for a dopamine hit of a viral tweet, you drink some beer or whatever, you try and dominate some fish fuckers, you MAY or MAY NOT catch some fish fuckers. IT IS FUCKING TERRIBLE. So why am I going to go fishing again? Because it's actually a wonderful opportunity to do NOTHING together, especially with people you love. It's so fucking awful that I have already researched how to purchase crack cocaine (surprisingly easy where I live!) like Hank Hill did in that one episode where he caught an ass ton of fish using crack cocaine as bait (this episode is the extent of my fishing knowledge).

Fellas,,,,, I bought some crack.

I will use the crack to catch at least one fish and hang one on my wall (to spite fishing as an activity), I will not SMOKE THE CRACK! Promise. What could go wrong? It worked in cartoons.

So yeah, fishing definitely fucking sucks and I highly recommend you give it a go sometime. It's fantastic.