Flappr's Way-Too-Early NFL Predictions for the 2022 Season (NFC West)

Editor's Note: This blog is part of a series Flappr's Way-Too-Early NFL Predictions for 2022 Season. To read our previews for the other divisions in the NFL click on the corresponding link: AFC North - AFC West - AFC East - NFC East - NFC North (more to come).


It’s that time of year when fans are irrationally exuberant. Filled with excitement and hope for the new season. Confidence is dripping. Expectations are at a ridiculous crescendo. It’s time to calm your tits, so let’s start with an ode to football. Because nothing is as cold a shower as poetry.


September is here

Garroppolo is gone

Wilson too

Two young guns appear

Lance throws with aplomb

But Lock presents issue


Fans ready to go berserk

A champion set to return

And a midget gets paid

All that gridiron work

Does Stafford yet burn

Is Murray a charade


As John Mara, owner of the NY Giants says, “A quarterback is like MILF, either you have a MILF or you don’t.” Well…maybe those are not his words exactly…


Well football fans, there are some ways to know if you have a quarterback: Does he like to book his own private massages so he can trick women into sex? Does he bang his mom’s MILFy friends? Was he traded because his old teammates found him childish and immature? Does he dress like a fashionista clown?


Or does he pick a gorgeous woman and make her a MILF while focusing on greatness?


Let’s take a look at the NFC West and just how those teams and their quarterbacks stack up going into the 2022 season.


 

Arizona Cardinals


Kliff Kingsbury brought his Air Raid offense to Arizona and in three seasons he has admirably won 3, 5 and 11 games steadily improving his Red Raiders, um Red Birds, uh…Cardinals and reaching the playoffs in 2021. Where they were destroyed by the eventual champion Los Angeles Rams. His gimmicky offense has gotten gimmickier in a good way as he has embraced his running game.

This seems like a feel-good story that is about to go off the rails however.


Kliff just got paid with a 6 year extension and his quarterback Kyler Murray just became the second highest paid field general in the game with a $230 million extension over 5 years. Nobody is really sure if Kingsbury’s Air Raid is really an NFL offense or if his munchkin taking snaps is really a quarterback. The NFC West is playing the AFC West and the NFC South this year.


Throw in the Vikings and Patriots and the Cardinals schedule is just brutal. Add to that the many losses to both sides of the ball and Deandre Hopkins 6 game suspension and it just looks worse.


Speaking of Air Raid, Kliff Kingsbury knows a thing or two about sirens after dating a series of gorgeous models. Clearly a sign he will never be a great coach, but who can blame the man? My Lord Kliff, save a few for Zach Wilson . . .


Estella, Bielik and Sonders, the conquests of Kliff K.


Looking back over the first three drafts of the Kingsbury era and you see Kyler Murray and a whole lot of nothing. Maybe that changed in 2022 but it remains to be seen. Of course the team saw fit to reward this failure with a 5 year extension to GM Steve Keim.


The Cardinals did add exciting young wide receiver Hollywood Brown and the top receiving tight end in the draft Trey McBride who they can put on the field with Zack Ertz. But that seems like what a team with a college coach running the Air Raid would do.


Let’s take a look at their quarterback, since that’s all that matters. Sure he runs around and throws up ridiculous fantasy football stats on a team designed for that. But he also spent the off season sparring with his employer over social media to get paid. And paid he was. $46 million a year for a 5’10 QB who has never won a playoff game? What does it say that the team tried to put a clause in the contract requiring 4 hours a week of “independent study” per game week? You better be sure your field general is going to study before you give him that kind of money.


More importantly Kyler Murray has been linked to a manager at Cheddars named Morgan LeMasters. She’s a cute little thing but the platform shoes are a dead giveaway that the Murray family football dynasty is over unless 5’8 QBs become all the rage in 2050.


Prediction: The Cardinals regress a little this year, win 8 or 9 games and miss the playoffs.


 

Los Angeles Rams


Superbowl Champions, we all know what happens to them - the suffer a hang over.


However the Rams are not going to just fall off a cliff. They have elite talent on a top heavy roster that they added Allen Robinson and Bobby Wagner to. The Rams do seem like they are a couple of injuries away from fulfilling the Superbowl hangover prophecy and their franchise quarterback who just signed a 4 year $160 million extension has a bum elbow.


They filled holes on the offensive line on a budget.


Somehow the Rams have masterfully worked around a maxed salary cap and have been willing to trade future draft picks to keep a great team on the field season after season under Sean McVay. In five years McVay has won the NFC West three times, come in second once and missed the playoffs once.


There is no doubt he a very good coach and the Rams front office knows what it is doing.

Last year the Rams traded for veteran quarterback Matthew Stafford. They went all in with him and won their second Superbowl. Much maligned for his record in Detroit Stafford has put up phenomenal numbers over a 13 year career after being drafted number one overall in 2009. Unfortunately Matthew was trapped on terrible teams in Detroit and has battled injuries for much of his career. One more Superbowl run for him could change his football epitaph.


More importantly, Stafford is mister reliable. Year after year putting up big passing numbers, marrying his college sweetheart Kelly Hall (whose brother is an NFL player and coach), making her an elite MILF, and having a beautiful family.


College / Now. Ride or die.

It’s no wonder he earned a championship in his one season playing for a competent franchise. No doubt mister reliable will have a son eventually to carry on the dynasty.


Prediction: A best guess is that the Rams play as well as ever this season but some key injuries and a tough schedule lead them into regression, they win 11 or 12 games and go to the playoffs.


 

San Francisco 49ers

The best team in football over the last three seasons. A defense nobody wants to face. A mad scientist head coach with a clear vision for success. A front office that consistently finds stars in the draft and is not afraid to bring in key free agent signings.


The only thing holding them back from having two Superbowl trophies was Jimmy Garoppolo. The man could run the mad scientist’s system but he had a noodle arm. A big Italian limp fettucine arm. His passing charts are -5 to 12 yards.


Every damn week.


And yes, I did just call Head Coach Kyle Shanahan a mad scientist. A really, really good one. His system and his vision have consistently made stars out of unheralded running backs and wide receivers. The man schemes guys wide-freaking open so that even his noodle armed QB can get the ball to them if they are withing 15 yards. One can only imagine what utter dominance the 49ers would have laid down on the NFL if they had drafted Patrick Mahomes over Solomon Thomas in 2017.


Either way, Shanahan’s brilliance comes from having grown up in the NFL. A life of eating, sleeping and every waking moment breathing football with his dad, two-time Superbowl champion Mike Shanahan.

Kyle, an elite coach, has paired himself with Mandy, an elite MILF, showing sound judgment on and off the field.


Are you seeing a pattern here? Consistency, hard work, dedication, good choices, elite MILFs.

This year the defense looks like the best this front office has ever put on the field. The addition of Charvarius Ward and Drake Jackson make a defense headlined by the best defensive player on the NFL Nick Bosa and the best trio of linebackers in the NFL even better. This defense singlehandedly beat the Aaron Rodgers led Green Bay Packers in the playoffs last year and were a dropped interception away from the Superbowl.


The offense has kept most of its talent together even though the offensive line has some questions. Some of the pressure on the O-line may be relieved by having a new mobile quarterback who can slow down opposing defenses with the threat of his running.


It is the Trey Lance Era in San Fran. The noodle arm has been replaced by a cannon. That cannon is not perfectly aimed but it just took the top off of defenses and created more room for the talented passing options on the team: Kittle, Deebo, Aiyuk and Juszczyk.


New 49ers quarterback Trey Lance is poised to lead the team. Even with Garoppolo sitting behind him on the bench on a paltry $7 million contract. This kid has the makings of greatness. A father who molded him and his younger brother into college football players. The discipline to lead his local Fellowship of Christian Athletes chapter in high school. Lance has shown good judgment off the field, finding a tall, athletic, beautiful college volleyball player (Brynn Chandler) to provide him genetically superior heirs.

100% chance she is a future MILF and mother of D1 athletes to continue the Lance Dynasty.

Prediction: The Niners put together 12 to 13 wins over a grueling schedule, roll through the playoffs and win Superbowl 57. Nick Bosa wins Defensive Player of the year, Shanahan wins Coach of the Year, and Trey Lance wins Superbowl MVP.


 

Seattle Seahawks


Well, let’s just say the Seahawks are going to be interesting this year.


Offseason stories about Seattle looking to replace Russ for years really call into question Head Coach Pete Carroll and GM John Schneider’s mental states. Making a deal with Denver because he WANTED Drew Lock is certainly incriminating in the court of public approval.


And the court is heavily swayed by Wilson’s MILFy bride Ciara. The man has game on and off the field.

Remember when Russell Wilson grew a beard?

So in prototypical Seahawks style Carroll drafted two offensive tackles that promise to be starters, a running back, and four defensive players. This team is going to try and grind teams down with a power running game and Pete will no doubt turn this new younger defense into a good unit as new stars emerge. Of course attempting this in the NFC West with a grueling divisional schedule is going to be rough. Rashaad Penny is the man for the job. A big bruising back who could be one of the best in the league…if he holds up.


Everything is pointing to disaster in Seattle.


But there should be a good foundation laid for the next coach as Carroll has already made the list of top ten oldest NFL head coaches ever at 70. Quite a run and not a surprise since ol' Pete has Glena Goranson, a woman who has effortlessly made the transition to GILF, by his side.


Wanna hear my theory on 9/11?

You might wonder why this writer has not even mentioned the quarterback situation in Seattle. That is because they have two, which means they have none.


The best description of Geno Smith is game manager, which sounds a lot like placeholder. There are rumors he is married but Geno has done a remarkable job keeping his family hidden from social media. Kudos to him. When they zig, you zag. Can’t blame you brother, there are some real degenerates writing season previews anonymously on the internet.


This leads us to Drew Lock. All you need to know about Drew is that somehow he messed up dating Gracie Hunt, billionaire heiress of the Kansas City Chiefs. You read that right, billionaire heiress whose father owns the Chiefs.


Kasie Hunt. K. Hunt. KHunt.

Sorry Seahawks fans, maybe just try and enjoy watching Russell Wilson running away from defenders and slinging the ball downfield to those exciting young Broncos receivers. This 49er fan surely will be. Maybe someday the nightmares of him escaping the pocket and running for 15 yards or dropping a bomb on our secondary will recede.


Prediction: The Seahawks win 4-5 games at best, in a season marred by inconsistent offense and a young defense. Next year is even worse. Carroll and Schneider pay for their football sins and a new administration takes over the doormat of the NFC West while fans murmur “Let Russ Cook” to themselves.

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