Flappr's Way-Too-Early NFL Predictions for the 2022 Season (NFC East)

Greetings, sports fans!

23 Skidoo! 23 Skidoo! Hut, Hut, Hike!

This is Jimmy “Jackrabbit” O’Flannery, here to bring you another whizbang preview of upcoming gridiron action. Yessssss, folks… Autumn is just around the corner and that means another crackling season of bang-up, knock-down, first-rate professional football!


In this guide, we’ll cover the cream of the crop, the National Football League, as it rumbles to life for the most captivating display of coordinated athleticism ever devised by man. Last year, those A.F.L. upstarts might have stolen a jolt or two of N.F.L. thunder, but anybody who’s anybody knows nothing can compete with the original for supreme superlative spectacle.


This week, it’s the cornerstone Eastern Division! Here are your scouting reports.




 

NEW YORK GIANTS


We start things off in the Big Apple, where the galloping gobberjobbers of Gotham are training hard for that September starting gun. After a disappointing championship flop, second year skipper Allie Sherman is edging his boys for the comeback campaign of the century. Yesssss, sir… This year’s New York squad is shaping up to be one surefire powerhouse.


Conferring over strategem.

At quarterback is ageless wonder Y.A. Tittle, who at first glance gives the impression of a door-to-door salesman who talked his way onto a football field. But don’t let that fool you, folks! Like Moses wandering the desert for forty years, Tittle has ventured from oasis to oasis in his endless bid for that elusive title shot. Two decades of peregrinations will leave a mark on a man, and Tittle wears them well. He’s got a mean jaw and stiff nose and a glint in the eye that leaves no doubt he’s a true competitor.



Last chance for glory?

Under his generalship, the Giants ought to do well, especially if sensational flanker/halfback Frank Gifford can recover from the devastating wallop he suffered late last year. The defensive squad, anchored by formidable linebacker Sam Huff, is lean and mean and ready for action. The big question is whether Sherman can keep his boys hungry enough come late season or whether the black curse of the Polo Grounds will snag another November hopeful.


Prediction: 6-5-1




 

WASHINGTON REDSKINS

A Franchise with a glorious tradition.

Hear that mournful sound? No folks, that ain’t funeral bells, that’s the sound of the Washington Dreadful-skins stumbling and bumbling their way to the starting gate. Oh, how the mighty have fallen in our nation’s capital! Ever since the retirement of Sam “Slingin Sammy” Baugh, the Redskins have been a ship without a captain, a platoon without a sergeant, a tribe without a chief. “Woe to the Redskins!” is what they should be singing down in Maryland.


Football follies!

I hate to say it, folks, but I see no silver lining for this J.V. edition: a paper-thin offensive line, a defense on its last legs, a no-name backfield, and a cavalcade of clowns up and down the bench. I say it’s high time for these Injuns to pack up their teepees and go home. Better still, trade a few beaded necklaces for some fellas that can run, block, tackle, and kick field goals.


Prediction: 2-7-3


 

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

Up to Philly we go! This year’s Eagles are fixing to soar back from the rotten slump they’ve sunk into ever since the retirement of hard-nosed thumper Chuck Bednarik and rock-ribbed trigger-man Norm Van Brocklin. Head coach Buck Shaw’s also hit the dusty trail, and without further ado, you could say the brotherly love’s gone out of the air in Phil-del.


Surveying the field.

But like the wise man once said, “Hope springs eternal,” and a rugged mountain cat by the name of Sonny “Sunny Boy” Jurgesen might just have the right stuffing to turn these over-cooked turkeys into Thanksgiving dinner. This granite-jawed Duke standout looks like a caveman who was frozen in ice and only recently thawed out by scientists. But don't let that fool you! This dynamo can hurl the pigskin a mile-and-a-quarter with a cold drink in one hand, and he’s a smooth operator in the pocket, ducking and weaving like he’s cutting the rug at the old Wilmington hootenanny.




Building blocks? Or fool's gold?

I like the cut of this kid’s jib, make no mistake, but as for the rest of these leftover pudknockers, don’t expect much more than even-steven. If Jurgesen can pull a rabbit out of his hat, this Philly troop might make a Cinderella run, but if not, they'll be cutting onions down Philly-way. My verdict, these E-A-G-L-E-S are a W-A-S-H.


Prediction: 4-5-3




 

DALLAS COWBOYS

We make our last stop deep in the heart of Texas. That’s right, folks… It’s the pride and joy of the Pine Curtain, the Dallas Cowboys, fresh off their heartbreaking splat on the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field. Yes siree bob... The legend of the Ice Bowl may be building by the day, but don’t sleep on this Dallas squad. All reports indicate these Cowboys are spoiling for a Texas-sized tornado of revenge.


Calling in the signals.

Boss Tom Landry runs his outfit like a well-oiled machine. He’s got bruisers Ralph Neely and Bob Lily upfront. He’s got speedsters Bob Hayes and Herb Adderley on the wings. He’s got sensational rookie Calvin Hill pounding the stone. And to captain this ship, none other than legendary Navy slinger Roger Staubach.


That’s right, folks… Staubach is about as damn near perfect an American hero you could possibly ask for. This bantam phenom zips and zings the ball all over the field with the pinpoint poise and precision you'd expect from a U.S. Navy man, all while scoring bunches of digits from the female spectators in between plays.


The man, the myth, the haircut.

It’s no accident nine and one-tenth percent of all women attending Cowboys home games have or are currently carrying his child. Johnny Unitas might put up the numbers, but old Staubach’s got it in the bag.


It’s a cinch the rompin’ stompin’ Cowboys are gonna mop the floor with the Eastern Division. I can see the Giants maybe giving them some grief down the wire, but I still say Cowboys to clinch. Week ten, at the latest. You heard it here first, folks!


Prediction: 9-2-1 (Division Winner)






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