Flappr's Way-Too-Early NFL Predictions for 2022 Season (AFC North)

I have (more or less) given up on most professional sports. I used to watch all of them pretty religiously, but once libtards made it impossible to separate entertainment for politics. . . it kind of ruined sports for me.


The NFL is no better than MLB, the NHL or the NBA when it comes to the insurgency of progressivism into their product. Yet, I have been unable to break the habit with football in the same way I have with the other leagues.


When I hear this theme, the red-blooded American cannot be satiated until I've consumed at least three hours of dudes beating the ever living shit out of each other in furtherance of moving a leather oblong up and down a field:

So, I haven't quit football (yet) - and the NFL season is BACK tonight . . . in pre-season form!


For some reason I am kind of hyped to watch the Raiders and Jaguars play in a meaningless game! It's not politics and it's not quite as woke as boring-ass baseball!


So in honor of the return of football, I thought it would be fun to do quick run downs for all 32 Teams and share thoughts on the outlook for each as they head into the 2022 season.


I'll be doing this as a series of blogs, curated by divisions - first up: The AFC North.

 

Baltimore Ravens

I low-key hate the fucking Ravens, mostly because they have some of the ugliest uniforms in the league, Ray Lewis maybe, possibly, was involved in a murder and Ray Rice helped accelerate libtard sports journo culture.


That being said, I really enjoy watching Lamar Jackson play. Dude is an absolute human joystick an I think his struggles last year were more due to the Ravens having a league record 191.2 games lost due to injury. The Ravens lost their final six games of 2021 and missed the playoffs by a single game. Taking out a 20 point loss to the Bengals, the Ravens lost 5 of those six games by a total of 8 points.


I think Lamar Jackson will be better this year as he plays for a contract extension. I think the Ravens getting back running back, J.K. Dobbins, after missing his entire rookie year helps take the pressure off of the passing game. I think the Ravens first round pick, Kyle Hamilton, is one of the better picks in the last draft.


Ravens win the AFC North.


 

Cincinnati Bengals

It still feels like some type of cruel joke that the Bengals came within a field goal of Super Bowl last February. By all accounts that team had no business making it out of the Divisional Round of the playoffs after allowing the Titans to sack Joe Burrow NINE times!



And yet, this plucky team that lost to Andy Dalton and the FUCKING Bears in Week 2 - managed to take down Patrick Mahomes on their way to a crushing Super Bowl defeat.


I don't think Burrow and Jamarr Chase can catch teams napping the way they did last year. I don't think a defense that was already kind of "meh" can win this team games when the offense isn't consistently putting up 30 plus. I'm not sure the revamped OL is as good as it looks on paper.


I think the Bengals are ripe for the curse of the Super Bowl Loser Hangover, an 9-8 season and missing the playoffs. Oh and Joe Burrow is definitely a badass, but he's also giant virtue signaling douche.

 

Cleveland Browns


The Browns have the most talented roster in this division and SHOULD be a contender for the Super Bowl. They have three good to great RBs, some solid options at WR and TE and a defense that features a dude that will literally fucking club you with your own helmet.



They also traded for DeShaun Watson, who WAAAY too much time seeking out sex workers on Instagram and then (allegedly) forcing nonconsensual sex on some of them. An independent arbitrator handed him a six-game suspension, which the NFL itself is appealing for being too lenient. Watson's backup, Jacoby Brissett, sucks so bad that the Colts replaced him with Carson Wentz.


There is too much unknown here to elevate the Browns to contender status. They are too good to suck, and they are playing a third-place schedule, but if Watson misses the entire season (or even half the season) they will not make the playoffs.


Oh, and any of you Browns fans who were "upset" by the Watson deal can fuck right-off. If Watson is slinging TD's come week 8, you'll forget all of the slinging he (allegedly) forced some massage therapist to perform on his weiner in the offseason.


Prediction? Who the fuck knows!

 

Pittsburgh Steelers

I fucking hate the Steelers.


I fucking hate the Steelers with a passion.


You fucking Yinzers make me sick and your football team somehow lucks into success more often than it should.


I rooted so hard for the Cardinals to win XLIII that it made my stomach turn when Santonio Holmes somehow (probably cheated) make that catch at the back corner of the endzone to win the game.

I hate the Steelers ALMOST as much as I hate the Packers, but will bleeding black and yellow this season because I have guilt about the way Chicago treated Mitch Trubisky.


Mitch probably would've sucked regardless of where and when he was drafted, but his failure was sealed when GM Asshole On the Left traded up for him and then hired Coach Asshole On the Right to coach him:

Secret Pedos? (Allegedly?) (Just Joking, Not Really?) (ALLEGEDLY)

Mitch Trubisky will be forever known as the guy drafted ahead of Mahomes and the (alleged) Massage Rapist, something for which he had no control over.


He was asked to run an offense that wasn't suited to his skills (he's an inaccurate ball-thrower guy) and when he went to schedule a meeting with his coach, Coach Asshole On the Right, to discuss issues he was having with the offense - Coach Asshole On the Right didn't show up.


Mitch was a huge disappointment, but given how poorly this shit show of a franchise is run - I still hope he finds a way to resurrect his career in Pittsburgh. If the Steelers coaching staff chooses to install Trubisky in an offense that suits his skills (running and throwing outside the pocket), I think Mitch will surprise some people.


And, if given the chance, O think Steelers fans embrace Trubisky, who has an affable r*tarded happy Labrador Retriever sensibility about him.


Steelers with Mitch at QB and a roster in transition? Erm, , , , 8-9?


Probably miss the playoffs as the team is rebuilding.

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