• dearflabby

Flabbygasted: I’m Needed Now More Than Ever!


Editor's Note: Welcome to "Dear FlAbby" a weekly series from @grand_handsome, where FlAbby takes YOUR questions on love, life, and the crazy world in which we reside. FlAbby then offers YOU the guidance that only FlAbby is qualified to provide.* If you'd like to be featured in a future edition of Dear FlAbby, please DM @grand_handsome on Twitter.


*Please note that FlAbby is not a certified psychologist, psychiatrist, has no medical training, hates cheese, and is in NO WAY qualified to give advice on ANYTHING. Any advice offered here is taken at your own risk.


Good day dear readers! Everyone seems really upset lately and I know why! They haven't been listening to me. So, let’s buckle in and fix the world.

Dear Red Lib:


Sunscreen is a globalist hoax meant to make money and trick you into thinking global warming is real (it isn't). Wake up you fool, the connection is in the names! Global warming = globalist plot. As for the smell, Flabby recommends drinking 8 pina coladas for breakfast and one more every hour! You’ll smell like sunscreen and you’ll be singing “making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape” all day long! People will love you for it! I promise!


Sincerely sipping,

Flabby

Dear Lady of the past:


In this day and age you’re still thinking helicopter 😒. Trump is the president now and we’ve moved on to rockets! FlAbby knows there is a story on mars and that we need journalists to go there and report on it! After all, how will the public know what’s happening on mars if we don’t have journalists there to and tell us?! Democracy dies in darkness but democracy goes fars if we send the journos to Mars!


Sincerely send them to the stars (or Mars),

FlAbby

Dear Feminist:


Why are you worried about the temperature of a lib car engine? I don’t care how hot it is! You need to know one temp and that’s 135 degrees! Thats the absolute highest temp you should cook beef! You’d know this if they still taught Home Ec! The down fall of this country started the very second public education stopped teaching women how to cook!

Sincerely starving,

Flabby

Dear Poor Person:


FlAbby had to google “sporks” because FlAbby is a journalist and would never eat with anything that wasn’t sliver. Seriously though, you common folks are odd. Why are you even having a picnic you gross grandma hater! DONT YOU KNOW THERE IS A PANDEMIC AND YOURE NOT ALLOWED TO GO OUTSIDE 😡! Listen to the experts you rubes! Rona will get you if you go outside for any reason other than rioting!


Sincerely stay inside,

FlAbby

Thanks to everyone who took the time to ask some questions and be silly for a little while. With everything going on its easy to lose sight of the fact that we are all humans and humans need to laugh. Take some time this weekend and appreciate a few things that are good. Pet a dog, call someone just to say hello, watch some birds flying or squirrels running. Find something to make you smile and remember that the world is not as horrible as everyone says it is. The sun will rise tomorrow and we all have a chance to make Friday a good day. Good luck everyone and remember that the only sure fire way to make the world a better place is to make yourself a better person. Cheese taste horrible and you shouldn’t eat it.


C U NEXT TUESDAY!

THINGS ARE SO MUCH MORE FUN WHEN YOU COMMENT

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©2020 by Flapper.

Keep the Faith. Hold the Line. Own the Libs.

Mathew Foldi is a Lib