In the words of the immortal Douglas MacArthur... I have returned. Where was I exactly? No matter (definitely NOT trying to burn down the federal court house in Portland, I assure you). What have I been doing? (I definitely have NOT been radicalized by things I've seen on the internet). Let me bring you up to speed...
After my last quarantine-rage-fueled outburst on this internet publication, I took a few weeks off to get my head straight and really come to grips with what this wokeness business is all about. I took a visit to the webpage known as "Instant Graham" and have been studying the relevant material ever since. And just let me say, if we'd had Instant Grahams in my boyhood, I might have never left my room and every Kleenex box in the house would've mysteriously vanished.
Nevertheless, these sultry nymphs actually made several fascinating and insightful additions to the discussion of human nature and desirable social arrangements. I especially admire the way they boil complex issues down to simple equations that can be readily understood by even the most unstudied or gullible. Take, for example, the following expression:
Racism = Prejudice + Power
Now, the old Professor O'Flannery would've defined racism to be any form of prejudice based on perceived differences between races. How laughable! The truth is that in order to be racist, one must first have a certain amount of power. So, when a man of Indian ancestry insults a man of African ancestry using what would be (for those with power) a racial slur, it is not actually racist at all. The same applies for the reverse. A man of African ancestry might insult a man of Indian ancestry – still no racism!
I can see here you might be asking yourself: how much power does a work-a-day stiff really have? And how much (or how little) societal power must be attained before it becomes significant? And how does this equation address occurrences of racial prejudice outside the American context? These are excellent questions.
Let’s move on!
My main topic today is equity. Equity has been in the news a lot these days, and thanks to social justice, I see now that equity is no mere synonym for equality. As a matter of fact, equity is a far more advanced concept that any decent fair-minded person should doubtlessly prefer. As with racism, equity can be expressed mathematically. The full equation is as follows:
Equity = Equality + (Oppression* - Privilege*) + ((Social x Justice) - (Criminal x Justice)) + Love / 2
*Both historical and structural.
So, you see, in order for equity to be achieved, a given society must first reach equality, which as we all know, comes about rather easily. Once having achieved political equality, a far more difficult task begins: addressing historical and structural oppression. How to do that?
The first step is to go back in time and prevent anything bad from every happening to anyone who ever lived. Or at least, that's what we would do if those lazy (probably white male) scientists got their act together for five minutes and built us a time-machine. Alas, since time-travel is not available (yet...) we must do the next best thing. Punish those who resemble historical oppressors and reward those who resemble historical victims. It is, you see, a canard that two wrongs don't make a right. And it is, of course, a myth this will provoke any sort of resentment or backlash.
Secondly, we must firmly and insistently press for equity in every institution or organization within American life. This includes mandating universities and companies hire more people of color or indigenous origin purely for their outward characteristics. You might also suspect this means demanding the NBA and the NFL hire more players of Asian or Caucasoid ethnicity, but that is a childish retort.
Then there is the challenge of building and maintaining equity throughout day-to-day life. To do so, we must resurrect a habit that was once the norm in America. In every interaction, ask yourself this: how should I treat this person based on their gender, skin color, and best guess as to their sexual orientation?
Take, for example, queuing at shops and restaurants. Previously, the custom of equality dictated that the order of the line was determined by who reached it first - all without taking into account race or age or sex. How barbaric! But with equity we can make the world much fairer.
Let’s start off with an easy one. A straight cis-gendered working-class Caucasian male is next in line at Starbucks. Afterwards, a straight cis-gendered working-class Black female enters the store. How should we work out who waits in front of whom? Well, we use the following formula:
White + Straight + Cis-gender + Working-class + Male
Black + Straight + Cis-gender + Working-class + Female
Now, we simplify the equation by subtracting the commonalities from both sides, which yields:
White + Male ?= Black + Female
Since the ethnicity of Black is far more oppressed than White – in the American context, at least, in African countries the formula is different – we convert Black into “Beautiful” and White into “Oppressor”. We do likewise for Male and Female until we are left with our answer:
Oppressive Monster < Beautiful Heroine
It’s just that easy! Obviously, the black straight cis-gendered woman should move to the front of the line, while the white straight cis-gendered man should move to the back. The qualities of the two as individuals - such as whether the white man is courteous and friendly, or the black woman is kind and considerate - are so small they may be treated as zero, and thus, play no part.
Now, to be fair, this was a straightforward example. Some of these calculations (to be made on a constant basis, every hour of every day) can grow rather complex. Take note of the following equation (don’t worry, I won’t go through this one):
Mixed Race (Afro/White) + College-educated + Gay + Cis-gendered + Able-bodied + Mild Alcohol Dependence + Middle-aged (30-60)
Mixed Race (Afro/Hispanic) + Working-class + Straight + Trans-gendered + Disabled + Methamphetamine Dependence + Youthful (15-30)
Well, that sure seems like a thorny problem, but with endless hours of equity training at school and in the workplace, you will be figuring these out in no time! Naturally, we will have to put other things aside while we make equity our top priority - such as repairing infrastructure, educating children, or policing crime - but believe me, it’s entirely worth it.
Of course, some say we should try our best to help the disadvantaged while maintaining equality at all hazards. I know this sounds reasonable, but who says you can’t have instantaneous perfection? There are never any trade-offs to make in life. Life is neither tragic nor marred by malevolence. Such defenders of equality are obviously (and blatantly) trying to protect their own power. No other possible explanation!
I mean, why else would anyone with wealth and privilege spout ridiculous nonsense? Think about it for two seconds and you'll have your answer.
He / Him | Bi-adjacent, Furry-friendly