Entourage 2020: Because Nothing Matters


The following is a look at how the HBO Sitcom "Entourage" would've theoretically handled the current situation in America. Why? Because America needs healing and the bond between the Vinny Chase and his boys is just what the doctor ordered. This post does not


EXT. Turtle is driving Vinny, Eric ("E"), and Johnny ("Drama") back to their Beverly Hills mansion at high speed, they have just left "peaceful protests" (riots/looting) and the patented 1967 Lincoln Continental convertible is riddled with trash and covered with graffiti, namely "EAT THE RICH," "FUCK TRUMP," "ACAB," and "AQUAMAN SUCKS!" Turtle pulls in through the gates and gang exits the vehicle.


Drama

LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO MY FUCKING CAR!!! Baby Bro, I TOLD YOU WE SHOULDN'T GO TO THOSE PROTESTS!


Vince

(flashing that million dollar smile, that has aged a bit since we last saw him)

Johnny, we will get it fixed! I promise! Besides, I believe in what the protestors are mad about, George Clinton died, right?


*Turtle, Drama, and E all look at each other exasperated*


Vince

You guys really think I'm that fucking dense? Fuck police brutality, I don't stand for that shit.


*Turtle, Drama and E all exhale and start walking behind Vince towards the mansion*


E

You know, Vince, there was a lot angry people there and I don't think they really appreciated you showing up and trying to console them, they think you're just a poser trying to gain some clout off their misery.


Turtle


What do you know, E? I saw Robert DeNiro, two Khardashians, Alyssa Milano and the OK Boomer girl at that protest, if you weren't there you were a loser!


E

Exactly, you tubby fuck! Maybe Vince should just focus on his career and leave the SJW shit to has-beens, reality TV show stars and TikTok THOTs.


Drama

You might not know this Baby Bro, but I was at the '92 Riots with John Stamos, we threw a brick at some guys trying to set Grauman's Chinese Theatre on fire. That actually helped me get a short lived recurring role on Full House as Uncle Jesse's long lost dim-witted cousin, Stavros.


E

You sided AGAINST the protestors Drama?! God, no wonder you don't have a career, you have no idea how to do PR!


Drama

(indignantly)

I'll have you know, ERIC, that I have a Lifetime movie with Scott Baio and Dean Cain coming out later this year.


Turtle

That's because you voted for Trump and told everyone about it, you IDIOT! You lost three other jobs because of that.


Drama

Listen, Trump is from Queens and so am I, Queens represents Queens, right Baby Bro?


Vince

Johnny, I'm not touching that one with a ten foot pole. I voted for Hillary, I believe in women's empowerment and all that.


E

(under his breath)

Yeah, because Jennifer Lawrence told you she wouldn't bang you if you voted for anyone else.




*E's cellphone begins to ring*


E

(looking at Vince with exasperation)

It's Ari.


E

(pulling the cellphone up to his ear)

Hey Ari.


INT. Cut to Ari, working from home because of Coronavirus, talking on a landline speakerphone


Ari

(screaming)

DON'T FUCKING "HI ARI" ME, YOU LITTLE LEPRECHAUN PIECE OF SHIT! WHY DID I JUST SEE YOU FOUR GUNNING IT AROUND PROTESTORS ON RODEO MOTHERFUCKING DRIVE! YOU'VE GOT TO BE THE FOUR DUMBEST MOTHERFUCKERS IN THIS MOTHERFUCKING TOWN!


E

(sheepishly)

Vince wanted to go to the protests to show them he stands against police brutality. What do you want us to do? Let him go by himself?

Ari

(still screaming)

NO, ERIC, I WANTED YOU TO POST A TWEET OR AN INSTAGRAM PRETENDING LIKE YOU GIVE A SHIT, LIKE EVERY OTHER ASSHOLE IN HOLLYWOOD. COMMIT SOME BAIL MONEY SO SOME LITTLE SNOT NOSED ANTIFA PRICK CAN GET HOME AND GET BACK TO MAKING MOTHERFUCKIN' MOLOTOV COCKTAILS IN MOMMY'S BASEMENT. ANYTHING OTHER THAN BEING ON CAMERA WHILE DRAMA FLIPS OFF PEOPLE THROWING WATER BOTTLES AT THE CAR.


E

(finding his courage)

You know what, Ari, maybe you're not so good at this yourself. Who's idea was it for Vince to sing in that cringey-ass "Imagine" Coronavirus video? Who's idea was it to star in Harvey Weinstein's last movie before getting MeToo'd? Yeah, so maybe you should just shut the fuck up!


Ari

(no longer screaming, but talking slow and methodical)

Listen to me very closely you red-haired pizza making fuck, I just got off the phone with Dana Gordon and she is told me that Zack Snyder is NOT happy about the optics here and that Vinny can be replaced in the release of the Snyder Cut of Justice League with Jason Momoa.


E

(incredulous)

What?! How?! The movie was already shot, they can't just replace Vince!


Vince

(eye's open wide as he realizes what the conversation is about)


Ari

(speaking in a stern tone)

I don't know "E," people on twitter can swap your head onto Sly Stallone's and make it look like you knocked out MOTHERFUCKIN Apollo Creed. I have a feeling a FUCKING FILM STUDIO CAN SWAP OUT VINNY WITH MOTHERFUCKIN KHAL DROGO IF THEY WANT. FIGURE THIS OUT!


*Ari hangs up the phone*


Vince

(speaking in slightly concerned tones)

What was that all about?


E

It's Snyder, he didn't like the optics of you being at the protests. They're thinking about replacing you in the Snyder Cut with Jason Momoa. Ari said we should figure this out and post something on Twitter.


Drama

(speaking with unearned self-assurance)

If it helps Baby Bro, I can reach out to Yasmine Bleeth and maybe you guys and do a PSA together, I met while doing a guest spot on Baywatch back in '93.


Turtle

JESUS CHRIST DRAMA, HOW FUCKING OLD ARE YOU!?! AND YASMINE BLEETH IS LIKE 300LBS NOW!


Drama

So are you Turtle and we keep you around! And We don't body shame in this household, right Baby Bro?


Vinny

Right Johnny, and if Snyder wants to cut me out of the movie, let him. I am like 50 years old now and should be focusing on getting an Oscar anyways. I'm not going to let some director tell me how to express my politics, E. Sorry.




E

Vince, wait! We can't afford to lose this extra money!


(Vince doesn't respond and enters the house. Turtle and Drama do as well, leaving E alone, again, to try and figure out a way out of this predicament).


END SCENE


Man, I don't know how Vinny, E and the Gang are gonna figure this one out. It will probably work out in the end though, they always seem to find a way.


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Keep the Faith. Hold the Line. Own the Libs.

Mathew Foldi is a Lib