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Dear Call of Duty Players, You Suck and I'm Your Daddy

An Open Letter to Most COD Players: YOU SUCK!

Yeah, I said it. You people are fucking awful and now you’re going to hear about it. You honestly think your “run & gun” technique is any good? This is a game that’s meant to be enjoyed like a fine wine with all the subtleties and complexities that go along with it but most of you play like you’re shotgunning a fucking natty lite. To put it bluntly, most of you are bad players and your shit is all retarded.

You know shit is going to go down when I’m in your lobby.

First off, if you think you’re a good player because you occasionally get the drop on the ol’ Bear let me just disabuse you of that notion. The Bear only plays with weapons that need to be leveled. You think you’re good because your leveled out LC 10 or Krig 6 killed me before my level 25 1911 was able to get the kill shot? You should be embarrassed I was even able to land a shot on you. I don’t understand what enjoyment you’re getting from the game playing with two or three maxed out weapons that literally 98% of the other players also run because it leads to repetitive game play style. Run. Slide. ADS. Run. Slide. ADS. Run. Slide. ADS. BORING!

My COD experience changes with each weapon I level and forces me to rethink tactics. I have to play differently when I’m running the semi-auto DMR 14 with 4x scope than I do running a burst M16 or a full auto Mac-10. When you force yourself out of your comfort zone and rethink how you approach the game it truly opens up a whole new world of play possibilities allowing you to adapt to any situation. You start thinking about what gun do you run based on what map you’re playing and then what do you want to run based on what part of the map you’re in. I’ll knife your ass in a heartbeat when in an enclosed space before you can barely pull the trigger on that superfast FFAR 1 and I’ll headshot you scoped when in a wide open space before your mid-range full auto MP 5 can touch me.


Even worse than the run & gun players are the campers. Campers are the worst team players ever because they never help raise your collective totals. Oh, your KD ratio looks impressive until you realize they only killed 5 enemies during the whole 10 minute match because they were hunkered in a corner thirsting so damn hard for an enemy to come round it. Why do you do it when after you kill me I watch the killcam to see where you are and then I come back and before turning the corner just chuck a frag and then laugh when you get blown up? It’s like, bro… bro... you’re dumb.

I play keyboard and mouse and I feel bad for you consolers. “But Bear, I can’t afford a high end GPU and computer!” Tough titties, son. If you want to be great you’ve got to fucking sacrifice. Get out there and save those hard earned dollars and get that gaming rig built. Get a Logitech G502 gaming mouse so you can program the keys for actions. Your left hand should NEVER have to move off the movement keys except to call in a scorestreak. Thumb for jump and pinky for everything else. Swap weapons with the mouse wheel. Set tactical and lethal to the two buttons on the side of the mouse. Set mouse sensitivity to different DPSs for different situations.


Sorry, consolers, but you will never be great with stick and auto aim. You just won’t. The precision that comes from an old fashioned keyboard and mouse simply can’t be beat. It’s like a blaster compared to a light saber. Auto aim just masks the fact that sticks aren’t the way you were ever meant to play an FPS. I mean – don’t get me wrong, I thank you for everyday for being cannon fodder for my ridiculous and outlandish killstreaks. I just laugh and laugh when I’m cracking skulls with my sledgehammer and then calmly swapping to rifle so I can straight laser you, bro.

Also, too many of you never use your accessories at all. Tactical and lethal are your friends, people. I throw smoke for cover when crossing high traffic spaces and I use stuns just to determine if an enemy is in a room that I can’t see in. Shit, sometimes I just cook a nade for the hell of it and lob it into a room where I know people usually are hanging out because I might get a lucky frag.


In short, most of you are bad players. Your game play is bad and you should feel bad. While I’m making bodies hit the floor and feeling great most of you are terrified after each slide that maybe you won’t be aiming just the right way and you’ll get greased. Or you’re sitting in a quiet room just preying that the enemy runs at you from just the right direction. It’s pathetic. But I also thank you for it.


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