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Mating, Conservatively

February 15th. The day after St. Valentine’s Feast.

The morning alarm rings in a hollow room. Occupancy: 1

You’re in your thirties, single, bored, probably chock full of nuts from your Aunt Summer’s pecan pie brownie casserole she mailed to you for Valentine’s because she couldn’t bear to look you in your pathetic, lonely face.

Failure clearly is an option because you ate the whole damn thing by yourself for your Day of Love dinner instead of taking your soul/swoll-mate to the culinary experience of his/her life.

Spartan wives would tell their husband and son soldiers headed to battle; “Come home carrying your shield or carried on it,” but they didn’t have an option for “or full of Aunt Summer’s pie because you can’t get a sane person to romantically look your way.”

Flappr is not indifferent to your plight. In fact, this author, who in no way has ever actually felt your pain, has a few tips to take your life from flab to fab. But it's up to you to put in the work.

The clock starts now. 365 days to the next V-Day.

Let us begin where everyone else does with you: Exterior.

“It doesn’t matter what I look like. If they really love me, they’ll love me for who I am.” - idiot person.

You are desperately clinging to a lie of sheer convenience and you know it because your logical brain senses the fallacy. What you look like is part of who you are. And if you’re a big piece of shite on the inside, that’s going to reflect in the mirror. Being the best version of yourself isn’t a falsehood, it’s an objective.

If you want to paint a picture worthy of someone else’s desire, put the Twinkies down and make yourself sweat.

“Fatness doesn’t equal fitness” was misguidedly beat into many heads and while chubby chasers exist, most of them are freaks…and not the fun kind.

You’re conceited enough to think you deserve someone you find attractive, the least you can do is return the favor.

At one point in history clothing and accessories would be addressed in this stage but we’ve lost the culture war to such an extent that if you’re a man wearing a suit and tie and you’re not a stock broker or coming directly from court (where you were working, not being arraigned) then you look like an intern. If you’re a woman in 2022…God help you. Your “fits” are Fashion Nova street walker or lesbian grunge hipster. Look nice, avoid fads and flash. And if your gender is somewhere in between male and female, this article isn’t for you. God offers forgiveness for your degeneracy, I don’t offer advice to engage in it further.

Bonus Points: Get off to a good start and save untold sums of money by only buying fresh leafy vegetables and chicken breast while getting to know your InstantPot. Looks good on you, feels good in you, keeps your wallet full.

Where do we next investigate and decalcify the decaying enamel of your love life?

Where you’re seeking a mate.

Oh, the world has changed so drastically…turned so catastrophically negative when it comes to the options available to today’s singles. Genuinely we weep for this season and the coming unholy spawn which should be called “Generation Swipe”. The internet was welcomed as a force for education and societal change and like all things, humans turned it to shit. The popular alternatives aren’t exactly net positives either; bars, clubs, parties.

Again, you’ve embroiled yourself in a lie of convenience to mitigate your soul into restless contemplation and an abdication of accountability.

America was not settled by lovers haphazardly mating in drunken flings through classified ads.

Your great great grandmothers weren't taking glamor shots with their boobs taped up and posting them in the town square for any man who would gaze upon them…her. Nor were they taking girls trips in the city to test their carnal luck and alcohol tolerance.

Your grandfathers didn’t pretend to be nature loving travel writers looking for casual relations while borrowing money to make credit card payments so there is available credit to buy ramen.

Save yourself the time of mocking up the quick pitch marketable version of a night in your company and do what our God-fearing ancestors did: Find a decent God-fearing church. Engage in God-fearing. Find a God-fearing opposite gendered person at that church doing those things.

Bonus Points: Your grandparents made it through World War II, Korea, Vietnam, and Jimmy Carter’s failed presidency and were still married at their deaths. Maybe take the hint that what you (and everyone else) are doing isn’t working.

Feeling inspired? Finding the emotional strength to engage? Ready to reveal the core element of success in conservative relationships? Prepared to unlock the vault obfuscating the riches of eternal love?

Learn. Decide.

Learn about the political beliefs you espouse. Decide if you believe them.

Learn about yourself. Decide if you’re living the life you want to share with someone.

Learn about the people you gravitate toward. Decide if that’s a horrible character flaw you need to remedy immediately, possibly with a therapist.

Conservatism is not swayed by the whims of public opinion or the ever-shifting sands of popular ideology.

It is a bedrock of proven truths.

It might look mildly different in execution from person to policy and across the generational span of our history, but it will die if we do not take up the mantle of knowledge carried by the greatest of men and women.

Men and women who learned whatever they could about the world and decided that some things made society better.

Bonus Points: You have just as much responsibility to read Plato and Virgil as you do Locke and Kant.

And then apply those principles to your life and the people you seek to include in it. If you can have dinner with a self possessed man or woman that casually covers The Federalist Papers, a healthy appreciation for small government, and what you found challenging in your Bible study this week…you’re in the right space. They might not be right for you, but that’s how you’ll know.

Stop wasting your life.

Put down your phone.

Pull on a good pair of jeans and a button down.

Pick up a real book.

Save our country.


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