Editor's Note: Becca Ducksworth, an executive at a Big Pharma company, agreed to allow us to transcribe parts of her company's 2021 "Holiday Party". The following is an account what transpired.
Hi everyone, before we get the party started I just have some remarks about the past year before we get back to the party but before I do that I just want to remind you to put a mask on for any pictures that you take, can't have any maskless photos get out, thanks!
We wouldn't want the public to think we're not taking the pandemic seriously!
No Juan, you misunderstood - the servers definitely still need to wear masks, put that back on. Yes, the gloves too.
I heard you mention your aunt was undocumented. . . just saying.
So I just wanted to start off by congratulating our lobbying and marketing divisions.
Omicron looks like it might be the end of this gravy train but they still managed to wring a few extra boosters out if it, plus we convinced several cities to institute NEW mandates. Everyone give them a round of applause.
Oh wait I'm sorry I know applause can be triggering to some, please give snaps instead. Brad, I said to snap, no more clapping, you fucking retard!
Ooopsies! I didn't mean to use the r-word. That's a hurtful word. You don't understand, all the girls in my sorority at Vassar used call each other that word. It's a term of endearment, it means "you're like my sister, Brad."
Anyway, Fauci tells us he might be able to convince Democrats to get a fourth shot too, so fingers crossed!
If anyone can do it it's you guys.
To our R&D division I just want to say it's absolutely brilliant the way you're turning the kid vax into a three shot series rather than a two shot series. Seriously, no one saw that as a possibility and you all really pulled a rabbit out of hat, brilliant stuff.
Oh, Donna, I see that you're raising your hand for some reason? I didn't realize my little speech here included a Q&A session. *dismissively laughs to herself*
What's that, Donna? You want to know if we are going to sell doses to developing nations?" Um, sure, as soon as they start paying for them at first world country rates!"
Now, what was I saying before Donna asked that really, really helpful and totally NOT-retarded question. . . oh yeah, 2022 is going to be hands on deck for boosters and kid mandates.
In fact maybe we should scrap our global outreach division. Oh of course the China division can stay, I'm not insane - they put us on this whole gravy train.
Oh my gosh!!! I'm so sorry Ming Ming I didn't mean it like that, I have nothing but respect for the Chinese people!
(I'm tired of having to do that every time with her, if she's gonna pull that again she can pull it at Johnson and Johnson)
I know they say it might still be from a bat and not a lab leak and/or a bio weapon!
*Everyone, including Ming Ming, laughs**
Moving on to more serious matters, it seems like not everyone completed their Bank of America anti-racism questionnaire.
We paid an awful lot of money for that Monsanto diversity seminar, and it's just really disrespectful of you to not complete the questionnaire. As your diversity and equity coordinator and therefore the second highest ranking person in this company after the CEO, I can tell you right now that not completing your seminar may be grounds for termination.
Oh, we have a question? *laughs* No, of course you won't get fired if you don't get a booster, or even the two doses, in fact you should probably get your heart checked if you went ahead and got boosted. It's just the seminar you have to complete.
Yes, Brad? Oh of course I'm always willing to hear about new anti-racism material?
Buck Breaking by Tariq Nasheed? I've never heard of it, but as our company's Equity Empowerment Champion, I'll put it on the agenda for discussion at the next DEI monthly connect session.
Brad, I don't get it, why are you laughing?!? Please. stop!
Diversity, Equity and Inclusion is nothing to laugh about and I just want to say that as a Native American woman, it is heartbreaking to see people not take anti-racism seriously.
Oh is something funny Brad? Yes, I am a Native American woman. I took a test and everything. No, I will not tell you the percentage and I'm offended that you'd ask.
Yes I did support her in the primary, I donated and was a member of the Warren Meme Team. Why do you ask, Brad?
Why are you still laughing, Brad?! STOP LAUGHING!
Our plight isn't funny! As the only indigenous person in this company--oh my gosh!
I'm so sorry Na'estse I didn't mean to forget you. What's that? You know what you're right, I am white passing and should defer to you.
We need to fire her.
Moving on, our efforts to promote black voices in pharmaceutical lobbying have been going quite well, but we're still lagging in vaccination rates in urban communities. I'm not sure there's much we can do on that front.
What's that Aiyana? Of course vaccine mandates aren't racist! They're the backbone of this company! Yes, yes, of course I respect your opinions as a fellow BIPOC woman.
We need to fire her too.
Oh my gosh, guys, look who it is - P**zer employee of the year, Anthony Fauci is here!
Oh of course not officially, but you know what I'm saying Tony.
Anyway remember to put your masks on for pictures, complete your anti-racism seminars, and let's make sure 2022 is even better!
Time for our group photo! Remember, masks on, everyone! PUT IT ON, BRAD!