Biden vs. William Henry Harrison - An Objective Comparison

It has become common place to compare President A to President B in our social and political discourse. Truth be told, it's understandable why this happens: The comparison is easy. Person A was/is president. Person B was/is president. Ergo, one can compare Person A and Person B via the lens of both being president.

This, however, has become a politically charged activity. Everyone has their guys they love, and their guys they hate. For instance: This columnist has rather high opinions of Franklin Pierce, Ulysses Grant, and Calvin Coolidge, while having rather low opinions of John Adams, Benjamin Harrison, and basically every president after Eisenhower. The end result of people having biases like these is that too often, these biases lead to comparisons where one side is predetermined to win, not unlike professional wrestling.

However, this can be fixed. Instead of comparing a sitting president to one whom a person views favorably or unfavorably, the sitting president can simply be compared to a former president about whom absolutely nobody has an opinion.

Without further adieu:

Joe Biden versus William Henry Harrison

Despite having died 180 years ago last April, William Henry Harrison still holds the distinction of being our shortest serving president. The hero of Tippacanoe took the oath of office on a rainy day in March of 1841 without any coat, hat, or protection. The 68 year old then proceeded to deliver what remains the longest inaugural address in the nation's history. (Side note: It's actually rather good, and worth sitting down to read.)

These conditions, combined with the fact that the front lawn of the White House--along with the entirety of Washington's street system--was essentially an open sewer, caused Harrison to fall ill and die by April.

Harrison is a blank slate, and virtually nobody has an opinion of him. This renders him an almost perfect comparison for other presidents, because we are essentially comparing any other man against nothing.

We'll compare Biden and Harrison in the following categories:

Relationship with the American People

Relationship with the Media

Effectiveness of their Cabinet and VP

Foreign Policy

Domestic Policy

Intangible Leadership

Relationship with the American People

W.H. Harrison was, by the time of his election, viewed as a national hero for his work in the Indian Conflicts and the War of 1812. Despite being well connected to the elites of the time, he had essentially led his life as one of us, and was actually working as a county level court clerk to provide income when he was elected president.

Joe Biden called a room full of soldiers "stupid bastards", challenged a guy to a push-up contest, and is openly admitting that he wants to engage in East German style forced vaccinations for the American people.

Advantage: Harrison (Harrison 1; Biden 0)

Relationship with the Media

Media as we know it today was effectively non-existent. Instead, Harrison had to deal with vicious print attacks and the spoils system. He essentially ignored the former, and chose to deal with the latter by avoiding office seekers as much as possible. At one point, rather than deal with the huge numbers of people showing up to the White House looking for political appointments, he climbed out a window and escaped.

Joe Biden is asked about ice cream. Sometimes.

Advantage: Harrison (Harrison 2; Biden 0)

Effectiveness of their Cabinet and VP

Eight months into his term, William Henry Harrison had been dead for seven months. There actually hadn't been a plan to transition power in the event a president died in office, so his VP--John Tyler--had essentially just moved in and said screw it. Tyler proved to be so inept that the Whig party expelled him, and the Democrats refused to let him join their party.

Joe Biden appointed a Raytheon executive as the Defense Secretary, and despite the fact that he shows no signs of meaningful cognition, is left in place because he is still probably somehow less bumbling than Kamala Harris.

Advantage: Harrison (Harrison 3; Biden 0)

Foreign Policy

William Henry Harrison was instrumental in maintaining US control over the Northwest Territory. After the war of 1812, Harrison was one of the two men who negotiated the Treaty of Springwell, which not only caused native tribes to cede large new portions of land to the United States for settlement, but effectively ended the ability of the British to use native tribes as proxy soldiers against the U.S.

In lieu of a written analysis of Joe Biden's foreign policy, your dear columnist notes that Joe Biden was elected to the Senate in 1972, the Vietnam War ended in 1975, and that this picture now exists:

Advantage: Harrison (Harrison 4; Biden 0)

Domestic Policy

Harrison effectively had no domestic policy.

Joe Biden is trying to find a way to order national lockdowns, forced vaccinations, and the furtherance of mass low-skill-worker invasions from Central America, Sub-Saharan Africa, and the Arab world. He also continues to defer to an angry elf named Fauci who literally executed sweet, loving beagles for no reason.

Advantage: Harrison (Harrison 5; Biden 0)

Intangible Leadership

Harrison rebuffed Henry Clay in an attempt to maintain the promises made in the presidential campaign regarding the Spoils System. Moreover, Harrison ultimately died in part because he had wanted to assure the American people that he was strong and healthy enough to do the job.

As Afghanistan melts into a geopolitical Chernobyl, Joe Biden is at Camp David, where he may or may not be eating ice cream in an iron lung.

Advantage: Harrison (Harrison 6; Biden 0)

Final Result

Harrison wins, six to nothing, despite being dead by this point in his presidency.

At least there's no mean tweets.