• JAC

A Way Too Early Look at the 2024 Republican Contenders

With the Trump campaign's lawsuits crashing and burning over and over again in court it looks like Joe Biden (or perhaps Kamala Harris) will be inaugurated as the 46th President of the United States on January 20, 2021. So this of course has crazy people like myself and friends at Flappr thinking about how the 2024 field is going to potentially shape up on the Republican side. Many people are saying the following could throw their hat in the ring...


Donald J. Trump (45th President of the United States) - Lets be honest, The Donald is obviously going to want to run again. If he does hes the odds on favorite by a considerable margin. Whether he ends up going through with it or not at 78 years old is another story. Maybe he launches Trump TV, rallies around the country playing king maker, and rides off into the sunset as a transformative president for the Republican Party. Or perhaps...he comes back biglier, badlier, and, oranglier than ever before.


Mike Pence (Vice President of the United States) - Mike Pence will not rest until the Handmaid's Tale is made a reality in both America and across the globe. President Trump started the process by putting Brett Kavanaugh and Amy Coney Barrett on the Supreme Court, the best gift he could have ever given his most loyal lieutenant. If Pence can manage to defeat Kamala Harris in 2024 he will finally fulfill his ultimate destiny. Godspeed Mr. Vice President.


Ron Desantis (Governor of Florida) - Desantis is shaping up to be a MAGA superstar who brings the Trumpian style to the table but in a more palatable way. Assuming DJT doesn't run, the Florida governor would presumably have President Trump's full endorsement and thus Desantis has to be considered a major front runner right now. However, if he is going to succeed in his pursuit of the White House he is going to have to answer for why his very successful pandemic actions killed so many people in New York, Michigan, and France.


Ted Cruz (US Senator from Texas / Zodiac Killer) - The 2016 Republican primary runner up has come a long way over these past four years and if he continues along this course he could find himself very well positioned for a 2024 presidential run. Sure, Cruz has a very punchable face but he has gotten way better about his preachy communication style and has even tapped into a really great sense of humor. Plus now that it is all but confirmed that he is the Zodiac Killer, who is going to want to mess with him?


Kristi Noem (Governor of South Dakota) - I know y'all see Governor Noem's sexy cowgirl ass up in here. As the governor of a small state like South Dakota, her most likely path is being Ron Desantis' VP first and then taking the reigns in 2032 when she would still only be in her early 60s. America is ready for their first MILF (and soon to be GILF) president.


Best (and Worst) of the Rest:


Donald Trump Jr. (EVP of the Trump Organization) - The heir apparent but only if Big Daddy doesn't run. Perhaps he starts his political career by taking a shot at dethroning The Nursing Home Killer.


Marco Rubio (US Senator from Florida) - This miniature lib has no chance in hell at the nomination, especially after Chris Christie facialized his ass in 2016, but this dumbass will probably try to run again anyways.


Nikki Haley (Former Governor of South Carolina & Former UN Ambassador) - She is a favorite of the "TrueCon" / NeoCon wing of the Republican Party. Personally, I think she gets a little bit of a bad wrap and that she has room to grow but chances are she runs and just doesn't perform all that well. Anyone who Ben Shapiro describes as his "spirit animal" is DOA in this evolving Republican Party.


Tucker Carlson (Fox News Anchor) - Lots of MAGA types have been talking about Tucker running in 2024 but he likely doesn't have any interest in doing so. He would be much better off as the primetime cornerstone on Trump TV.


Josh Hawley (US Senator from Missouri) - The freshman senator from Mizzou is young, makes the ladies randy, and has a mean populist streak to him. His big focus is around destroying Big Tech which plays very well with conservatives these days but he is also strong on China, trade, and immigration. Not sure 2024 will be his time but he certainly has a bright future ahead.


Dave Portnoy (Founder of Barstool Sports) - He will never actually do it but El Prez is just what this country needs. He is not a political man but his budding friendship with President Trump and the insane draconian policies implemented due to the coronavirus pandemic has him making his voice increasingly heard in this arena. After Joe Biden and Kamala Harris do their damnedest to finish off small business in this country, Dave may just feel compelled to serve his country.


Larry Hogan (Governor of Maryland) - LOL


This far out, there are many others whose names could end up in the mix like Mike Pompeo, a D-to-R converted Tulsi Gabbard, or someone no one is even thinking about that ends up taking the world by storm like Trump did in 2015-2016. Three plus years is an eternity in American politics and there is little doubt its going to be a wild ride. So buckle up!


Oh, and let us know who your 'its way too early for this shit' 2024 Republican pick is.

-JAC


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Mathew Foldi is a Lib