A Penny For Your Thoughts

In the old days people used to ask their close friends, their family (and if it needed to be anonymous they would write to Dear Abby) for advice. These days with everything being instantaneous, they hop on Reddit or share their most private problems with the entire internet via Twitter or Facebook and since this person is seeking advice, I am happy to oblige.


This was reposted on Twitter and is making the rounds, I purposely didn't read comments on this tweet so that I am not influenced by others hot takes on the topic.


There is a lot to unpack here, so buckle up my buttercups, its gonna be a bumpy ride.

This is a question from a subreddit about polyamory, from what I can tell, polyamory is a lifestyle where several people participate in what boils down to a plural marriage. I bet the Mormons are pissed! My understanding of the relationship is based on some articles I have read on the topic, and a couple documentary YouTube videos, to me it looks like a passel of unfortunate looking men just orbit around a tubby girl who has multicolored hair, face piercings and no fashion sense.


Lets begin with "I don't like my wife's boyfriend."


You shouldn't. If she's your wife, why does she have one? If she has a boyfriend, why is she still your wife?


"My wife and I are new to polyamory."


"Honey, I swear I've never even thought about this until just now".

Your wife isn't, I can almost guarantee she isn't, ("they've known each other for a long time") she's been seeing someone on the DL for a minute, you just didn't know it was happening and now she has decided that she wants to have her cake and also a maple bacon cream stick if you get my drift. If you have a child that is old enough to realize they are bisexual, you have been in this marriage for a hot second and "polyamory" is a situation that should have been discussed prior to tying the knot. It isn't something that is decided later, your wife wants to bone other dudes and I would bet money she convinced you it was your idea to to open your marriage.


I'm going to let everyone in on a little secret - women have an intelligence capability far greater than the CIA, the NSA and all the other secret spy groups put together. If you and your wife are "new to polyamory" at this stage of the game, it's because - without your knowledge or consent - she has conducted a psy-ops propaganda campaign on you the likes of which have never been seen. This only works on the weak minded and insecure, mind you but oh boy does it work.


"This guy votes for people who actively harm and dehumanize LGBTQ people."


So he's a Democrat? Is that what you dislike? I think you hate it because he isn't like you. Herein lies the problem, you see the point of polyamory is to have variety in partners so that all of any one individual person's needs are met. This is of course a garbage idea and it never works. But she seeks attention outside your marriage because she is not getting what she needs from you. She wants to bone "not you." Sounds like he's the opposite of you. And this of course has an impact on your self esteem, what's he got that I ain't got? Maybe nothing, maybe she doesn't have self confidence and she went to catholic school at some point and thus thinks that confidence comes from multiple conquests. Maybe she is put off by the fact that she doesn't do it for you, because you are bisexual, maybe she's trying to prove to herself she's still got it.


What is your status here? Are you looking for other men as well? You being bisexual, whether you disclosed that from the get go or its a recent development, has let your wife know in no uncertain terms that she will never really be what you want. What did you expect her to find? Another bisexual guy that isn't fully committed to her? She will never be enough, so having a boyfriend that's the opposite of you seems like par for the course. Whatever, the point is, if you thought that she was just going to find another you to bone, you are sorely mistaken.


"But this other guy I have zero respect for."


"But, honey, he probably eats "horse paste" and doesn't double mask!"

Great news, he doesn't have any respect for you either. You have agreed to let him bone your wife, he does not care if you respect him, he gets to have the fun and take none of the responsibility. If you were on a playground with this guy he would have already taken your lunch money and thrown your math book in a pile of dog poop.


The last thing I would like to address is "everything's virtual at the moment."


"But, honey, you could get virtual COVID from him!"

Make no mistake sir, there is nothing virtual about this, this is real and its happening. Polyamory seems like a great idea because in your mind its all happening in the cloud, but you better be ready when reality hits. Your wife is going to bone this dude, and maybe some other dudes, and she's probably going to like it, and she's probably going to look at you a little differently after it happens. And you are not going to like that. You actively support it, and admit that your wife doesn't meet your needs sexually, so you don't get to check ID's at her door.


My advice to you would be to shut it down. Either recommit to your marriage or free her future and end the charade. You get what you settle for. The best way to keep dudes you don't respect from boning your wife is to not allow any dudes to bone your wife.


THINGS ARE SO MUCH MORE FUN WHEN YOU COMMENT