A Modest Vax Proposal

It is a frightful scene, to log onto Twitter--or even to venture from one's home, to see the latest shrieking of the COVID Zombies regarding those whom remain unvaccinated. It has morphed from mere aggravating ca-cawing into a ceaseless cacophony demanding the natural rights and individual peculiarities of the Nation's citizenry be run over in the name of safety.

While there are certainly more egregious examples than the one submitted before you, perhaps none better than former government officials calling for the sorts of things our very Nation once sent boys across the Atlantic to bulwark against. Let's see what former Acting Administrator of the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services, Andy Slavitt had to say:

"fulfill our obligation" is apparently a new prerequisite to freedom.

"It turns out our own liberties must be considered in the context of our own obligation to society" - if this statement is true, than you have no liberty, only obligation to society.


The Citizenry, it seems, is at an impasse; one group bellicosely belligerent in its desire to stamp out any semblance of activity that is neither explicitly nor implicitly bending one's knee to the Coastal Oligarchy, the other equally boisterous and determined to simply refuse to acknowledge the newly forged crown of King Joe. At the crux of the matter, the former admitting that the latter is effectively not stopped, and pondering what one can do about these problematic protesters of undesirable faith and fealty.

The Bellicosely Belligerents' claims are, for all practical purposes, scientifically dubious at best and histrionically deceptive at worst. That seems to be the main sticking point, and--one supposes--is the issue this very proposal seeks to abet.

The matter might best be resolved by--firstly--the Boisterously Determined granting that COVID and its mutations are not only some form of La Plaga Dulce, but that the entire COVID family is mutating into something more, and not less, deadly. To be sure, this flies in the face of the scientific tug-of-war we, including this author, have waged in the last eighteen months. However, to resolve our national split it seems a small pittance to spend.

The matter might best be resolved by--secondly--the Bellicosely Belligerent admitting that their demands are contradictory to the reality they claim to base their demands upon. If booster shots are required anyway, and these boosters already exist, and our Shining Domes in Washington continue to see it fit to endlessly subsidize the existence of these boosters, all of which are true, then it is hardly understandable how they could take a position that those unvaccinated are about to kill grandma, or grandpa, or any other matriarchal or patriarchal figure.

Should both sides find those positions agreeable, this proposal would give everyone what they want.

The Bellicosely Belligerent would receive the infantile feeling of unending safety they desire through unlimited access to fully free (through clever currency machinations and subsidies) booster shots. It could, perhaps, even become a daily ritual for this group.

Have any more of that Moderna?

Perhaps administered by a social worker, a TSA agent assigned to a specific radius, or in the sanctity of one's own home - these booster shots could give our Cobalt Archipelago the feeling of warmth and safety inside of them. To wit, it would be akin to a chimera of a hug and a prison cavity search, but such is the world in the name of safety.

Moreover, the Billicosely Belligerent would, if their presumptions prove correct, be finally rid of the troglodytic masses occupying the small towns and farm country separating our major urban centers. This would certainly be met with great rapture in our cities, as the Bellicosely Belligerent would finally have rid themselves of the yokes of open air drug markets and usage, bubbling pools of human waste strewn about the streets, and rampant gender dysmorphia so often foisted upon them by the God fearing nuclear family rat people occupying the urban elites' food patches.

Furthermore, this would solve both primary issues faced by the Boisterously Determined.

First, it would not deny any their individuality or freedoms. In fact, it would preserve them in the most extreme way possible.

Second, should their presumptions prove incorrect, it would allow them to peacefully exit the world. Although this author has many friends in this camp, it is undeniable that the world has simply gone in a direction no longer palatable to them. Moreover, it is clear that the reversal of that direction is bleak even if given generous consideration. The majority of the population has chosen differently, and perhaps they should be welcome to that choice. That we live in a republic should not be of consideration. If we are to grant all parties the light of truth, the most desirable outcome is for the Bellicosely Belligerent to stay safely in their pods here upon our Earth, and for the Boisterously Determined to enter a new Jerusalem somewhere beyond this plane of existence.

It is this author's sincerest hope that both sides find this solution agreeable, and that delegates are named to discuss the decoupling.