• Burnout

A Flappr Christmas Miracle

Many years ago, in the city of New York, there lived a woman named Kosher Doll. One day, the spirit of the Lord came to Kosher Doll, in the form of Professor Jimbo.


"Behold, I bear good news. You shall bear a child which will be the savior of conservatism for all mankind!" thundered Jimbo from above.


Now, Kosh was skeptical, and had a few questions for Jimbo.


"Dude, I've got phone numbers for, like, eight Chads right now; you're going to have to be more specific, because I'm not about to start sleeping around for conservatism. Also, didn't my ancestors already do something like this a while back? Story seems familiar."


"Nonsense, woman," bellowed Jimbo, "this is a completely original story, with no copyright claims in any way."


Well, that was fair enough. When an otherworldly specter comes into your house at 3am, you tend not to argue with it.


Now, it so happened that these were dark times, and the evil King Biden ruled over the land. In Kosh's 11th month of pregnancy, King Biden issued a decree to all the land, that there would be a mandatory vaccine distribution for a disease that killed statistically nobody, and that everyone had to return to the city of their birth for no apparent reason.





This meant Kosh had to return to Reno, Nevada, to get her vaccine. Normally this wouldn't have been a big issue, but Viceroy Ocasio-Cortez had banned all planes, trains, and automobiles, so Kosh was probably going to have to hoof it.


As she sat staring at her house, she noticed a dinosaur approaching her. This didn't phase her at all, because she had already lived in a city that elected Retarded Frankenstein's Monster, so wandering dinosaurs honestly weren't that weird by comparison.


" Hee haw! Hee haw! I'm Philip, the talking dinosaur!"


Kosh didn't quite understand why he was going around announcing this, but what the hell it was better than walking.


"Yeah, so um, I don't care--at all--but could you give me a lift to Reno?"


Now, most people don't want to talk to a talking dinosaur, so Phil was excited to have the company and off they went.


They eventually came to a river which seemed impossible to pass.


"JFC, when will these nerds stop making my life hard" Kosh sighed.


"Wait, don't lose hope" exclaimed Phil, who had been a source of incessant optimism the entire trip. "What if we just ask the Lizard King to help us across?"


Kosh had no idea what the hell the Lizard King was, but it was worth a shot, so she told Phil to go ahead.


Phil then proceeded to draw a huge pyramid on the ground and repeatedly chant "Mecca lecca hi, mecca hiney ho" until a great light brought forth a disembodied voice.


"Who dares disturb I, the great Soy Lament, King of the Lizards?"


"Oh great and powerful Soy, my name is Phil and this is my friend Kosh. We are trying to cross this river to get to Reno so she isn't put into the FEMA camps. We humbly seek your assistance."


Soy had a soft spot for people in jams, but was concerned because he could only help once and he didn't see a father around.


"Don't worry about it," mumbled Kosh. "It's some kind of divine thing idk I was busy ordering Chili's when Jimbo explained how it worked and then suddenly BAM pregnant."


Well, who was Soy to argue with logic like that? He helped our heroes across and then disappeared into the cosmos once more.


Now, Reno isn't the kind of place people like to stay, but it *is* the kind of place where there isn't much else to do besides make babies, so every hotel in Reno was full. Things were looking pretty grim until an inn-keeper in a very anachronistic hat made them an offer.


"Look, I can't put you in any rooms because I only have a single, and people are going to ask way too many questions if I let a pregnant lady and a dinosaur into a one bed hotel room. But I have a manger out back you can crash in. There's a weird rooster who lives there, but it just watches C-SPAN all day, and a bear lives there too, but he's really nice.


And that very night, in the stable, Kosh gave birth to our savior, who popped out and screamed


"WAKE UP AMERICA!"





Now, in a field nearby, there was a shepherd named Burnz, tending her flock of seagulls. She was outside with them when a different angel, named Foldi, appeared and said: "Listen, lady. I've got three wise guys coming to give some awesome gifts to the savior of conservatism, but there's nobody to help momma in the meantime, so if you wouldn't mind..."


Burnz was eager to get away from her stupid birds, so she said yes. Some of the birds followed her anyway, and after she gave the bear a few to eat as a bribe, she was allowed into the manger where she helped take care of the baby, which was good because Kosh was really over this entire situation.


Now, the Inn-Keeper had, at one point, erected a huge light on top of the stable to mess with people's drones, and Three Wise Guys had seen it in the sky. Their names were Nero, Burnout, and JAC, and they had decided that's probably where the savior of conservatism was and set out to bring him or her gifts. Nero brought grain alcohol, Burnout brought cigars, and JAC brought several wads of hundreds.





King Biden got word of their journey and summoned them to Imperial Palace of CCP (Virginia Post), formerly known as The White House.


"When you find this babe, bring it to me so that I may heal the nation," Biden mumbled through the grub worms that were falling out of his brain cavity.





The Wise Guys reached the stable and were overwhelmed with joy, because the baby loved their gifts and they stuck around to crack on nerds.


As the Wise Guys prepared to leave, a different angel appeared to them in a dream and said: "Put those tits on ice, boys. If you bring word of this child back to King Biden, it will surely die."


This freaked the wise guys out, because they're more about having fun that killing babies, so they took a different route home, even though it meant they had to stop at the Iron Skillet instead of the Cracker Barrel.


Well, that's it. That's the story of the Flappr Christmas Miracle.


Have a blessed holiday.

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©2020 by Flapper.

Keep the Faith. Hold the Line. Own the Libs.

Mathew Foldi is a Lib