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2321: A Cancelled Culture


cc: Pre-Modern American Studies ("PMAS") Dept.

Due to unexpected budget cuts we at the Department of Pre-Modern American Studies regret to announce that the summer excavations of Plasticmolder and Burger Man sites have been cancelled. In the interest of encouraging independent study of these cultures until next summer’s digs we have compiled a brief summary of major sites and finds for your perusal. We expect you to engage with pertinent literature regarding these topics until our negotiations with the College of Gender Mysticism yield some semblance of a fair distribution of funds. We thank you for your patience and will keep you informed.

This is an object you must be able to recognize immediately when on a dig. This a deadly Plasticmolder II artifact: the Water Noose. Entire ecosystems were devastated by this ingenious device. These suddenly stop appearing in Plasticmolder III sites. We can only assume that this marks the point in time when all marine life had been consumed. Note that these are surprisingly resilient (they’re believed to be completely impervious to biodegradation) and need not be handled with the same delicacy as other artifacts found on site.

You may be fortunate enough to encounter well preserved Plasticmolder II and Plasticmolder III dwellings. As you can see, the sudden onset of drought that demarcates the aforementioned periods caused a revolution in construction techniques. Builders abandoned designs requiring lumber and opted for metal structures. Intact structures such as these are extremely rare and demand the utmost respect.

You’re most likely to spend your time analyzing one of our most important assets: trash middens. These ancient waste piles give us some understanding of the devastation caused by the drought which brought Plasticmolder Civilization to its knees. When we follow dendrochronological data from the beginning to the end of the drought we begin to see a pattern. We see ever fewer animal bones indicating a decline in the game population; we also find hundreds of thousands of these vessels. We believe they contained an emergency protein solution reserved for disasters which had become all too common.

These midden findings predate the total abandonment of the epicenter of the Plasticmolder culture: Granary M. This site was heavily fortified and constructed in a way that facilitated rapid distribution of food. Icons found here indicate it was a place of great religious significance. Read S. Lord, (2043) for a superb review the Plasticmolder Pantheon.

Many of you have expressed interest in studying the language systems of the Plasticmolder and Burger Man cultures. You will be sorely disappointed to learn that the most perplexing enigma of Pre-Modern American archeology is the complete absence of writing systems typical of sophisticated civilizations. We find no decorated pottery, petroglyphs, or scrolls. It has been suggested that these glass tablets may have served such a function. You may want to reach out to the College of Equitable and Truthful Engineering for assistance with researching these.

This brings us to Computer Canyon, a site believed to be the youngest and last Plasticmolder site before the disappearance of this civilization. Here scholars have the task of studying why these people suddenly abandoned technology and dispersed into the wilderness. Please take the time to explore this site and familiarize yourself with the placement of each pile of refuse.

You will be assigned one of these piles to examine with a classmate. Be prepared to to present a hypothesis regarding the Plasticmolder Exodus next semester.


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